thinking about nothing at all while everything is running around in my mind getting acquainted with a dull ache emanating from somewhere in the middle of the center of the core of my tacet anxiety settling down into an emotional complacency trying to find some safety to make sense of it all Immanuel is sleeping in the boat while the weight of my heart makes every step so hard inches are like miles enclosed on every side by confusion and helplessness what can i offer what can i say what can i do awake my soul for the sleeping Man of Sorrows knows this storm my soul comes to rest on a cold lonely shore and i wait the winds and waves are His i wait
a gentle breeze kissed the trees and their leaves applauded with glee sunrise beams painted the fields the streams awakening colors dispelling the shadows oh Eternal LIght can you do the same for me you see i’m wrestling now with shadows deep sad sad songs keep echoing and i weep for these longings keep on singing and i can’t make out the melody all seems wrong where are the joyful songs will you shine on my mind running all these scenarios is a drain but the pain remains will you shine on my troubled heart mend all the jagged broken parts help me to start anew i will trust i will trust in You my Eternal Light
there is a desperate feigned beauty to a closed heart not present to pain like a tragic lullaby an inconsolable melody celebrating safety striving to look like peace reluctant to feel locked up in dark silence encased in emptiness
choose to feel to stay connected to what’s real stay in the pain even in the rain gifts are to be found don’t turn around lament all that is broken laugh as if it’s all okay cry because you know it’s not take a step of faith none of us is free from danger find a friend who will walk beside you and let you feel
and i find that i’m choosing to let it all in i stand in the light while i’m feeling the pain that keeps falling like rain on my story again and the clouds crowd my soul so i let it all go carried on whispered prayers with hands pleading lifted in unspoken longings eyes searching for some kind of answer in this darkened light embracing the rain and the clouds and all the unseen running into the light as it reaches all that’s been perhaps a lament or two will see me through the paradox of this impermanent journey a time for everything and everything in time i’ll welcome the longing with singing celebrate the love with understanding that all is fading into unending yesterdays and the clouds crowd my soul so i let it all go and i’ll walk towards the light keep my eyes on things above and choose to love here below and let it all go through trembling whispers of faith until i find my way home with some amazing grace
we used to gather to remain in the vine neighbor sister brother mother father singing our songs Kyrie eleison standing room only we were searching for Holy, Holy, Holy in a time of upheaval we found comfort in the cathedral of our hearts in the neighborhood sanctuary
candles prayers stained glass windows used to tell our stories guiding us toward glory dazzling testimonies told in fragile colors we were lost but we found each other and we found our heavenly Father Kyrie eleison
now just silent songs unsung melodies broken monochrome glass and look the vines enter in perhaps searching for souls maybe a prayer or two God make all this old to be new and begin in me please, Lord tell a story of your glory through all that is shattered in me as i sing the ancient song
like a black sea stretching out before me all this mystery of what is yet to be all that i cannot see
like a black sky slowly descending over me telling shadow stories all i cannot hide a dark gray canopy made up of all my whys
oh Lord and Light guide me on my way help me navigate this story through the night waiting for the day longing for all made right for the unseen real to replace what all the senses feel
like a dark wave swallowing up my soul all the doubt and shame why must it be this way growing old is growing close to a different shore to so much more than the sum of my failures or anything labeled a success it’s all just a mess
oh Lord and Light i’m grateful that you gave me sight for this mess that i call my life for you carried me you saw me you ransomed me so i’ll follow you i’ll turn to you surrender to you and let you tell me who i am for you are love and far above this darkened sky and far below this blackened sea your glory and light your power and might the Lord and Light is with me in me all around me
a frosty cold dawn a gray featureless sky feels just like me today there’s a frozen mist sprinkled on the ground it’s a monochrome morning a colorless song that sounds like me today so i guess i’ll take the Christmas tree down
Christmas carols echo in my living room the grandkids laughing wrapping paper tearing meals we were just sharing are now memories and there’s something sad in me at the end of 2023 so i guess i’ll take the Christmas tree down
a quiet end of the season a gentle closing of the year and for no particular reason a tear appears and it’s okay the past three sixty-five well… let’s just say it can be hard to be alive there have been days of good cheer sorrow and struggle too said a final good-bye to mom and then there are the fractures in the family feeling all the anxiety and those whispers of failure just rise amidst an endless ostinato of whys so i guess i’ll take the Christmas tree down
a plastic stained glass window with a little boy in prayer amber crystal beads a shiny red ball from Macy’s a tiny wooden christmas tree a three story ceramic house a quiet Christmas mouse glimmering shimmering sparkling dazzling all are put to rest almost done there’s just one the last ornament
it’s a smiling angel holding a star with colored gems for wings so there i stand with this angel in my hand i can almost hear it sing a song of grace a melody of peace a smiling angel in my hand helps me know i’m in His hand so i hum a tune i can’t remember which one but i remember the fractures and failures are held in His hand too all our fractures all our failures so grateful He holds them grateful He knows them thanks for listening i’m done taking the Christmas tree down
so this new day has come whose will will be done in my heart and mind today
these colors dance and play they call and say there is more to you more to me than this world often will let us see
so many lies so many tries to measure up to just keep up you get tired worn cast down and torn God help me see
i bear Your image strong and true it is ruined stained and needs to be renewed like this new day i will rise and sing with the colors bring a song of praise i will raise my voice and say
thank you for who You are to me thank you for all that makes me me
the dark the light the rest the fight i will listen to these colors sing life up my eyes and enter into Your peace Your grace Your will Your way
my heart and mind are yours today not my way not my will but Yours be done always and in all ways
hope bears the longing
of returning to the home
we’ve never seen
for deep within our hearts
eternity cries
and we see without eyes
our true identity
in Light
in Peace
in endless days
love beyond imagining
like a seed set in our soul
eternity calls us to let go
of little things
where the darkness grows
and desires too small
to carry the weight
of all our sorrow
rise and cause us to fall
we really must die
to the wrong inside
things we see
and all we hide
and live in the unseen
for this world
is not our home
the seed inside
cannot thrive
in the midst of pride
surrendering
we cry
and pray
heal us
break us
shape us
and
lead
us
home
i don’t think
i would mind
getting lost beneath
a gold and yellow sky
watch the crimson
snow leaves
gently settle
at my feet
smell the pine soaked
breeze
be as still
as the trees
as they surrender
their beauty
and let go of their
color laden leaves
i lift up my eyes
i wonder if my
prayers can soar up high
to reach your ears
oh God
are you near
we’re really lost
have you given
thought
to our broken
hearts
we really
could use
a new start
i surrender
the beauty
i think i possess
let winter
come
and clean my soul
no more pretense
i’ll wait with the trees
in silence
and cold
welcome this season
of dying
less trying
of seeing
and being
i’m lifting my hands
God please
bring us your aid
don’t want to be afraid
as i walk
this painted path
there is beauty
when we fall
upon your Light
and stop
and wait
and listen
in faith
and stop
and wait
and listen
in faith
rutakintome pictures 
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