I AM
awaken
arise
be still
settle
listen
inhale
confess
receive
notice
I AM
I AM
witness
believe
understand
surrender
let go
love
live
exhale
release
give
I AM
I AM
ponder
accept
reality
engage
weep
truth
heart
days
months
years
time
eternal
trust
I AM
sons and brothers
brothers and sons
may you carry well
the love i tried to share with you
magnify any wisdom
you may have seen or heard
please forgive me
when you were young
i was trying to figure it out too
and it still feels like i am beginning
and now you walk together
and can see more
as you share the path
tell each other the story
of your movements through this world
and through my shadows
you may see me
as i hoped to be
as i was
and as i am
know i hold you both
the breadth and length
of you stories
are tucked away in my heart
an endless album
of images and melodies
from the day
the music of your tears
announced your birth
to this moment
as you read these words
i hold you both
in love
in honor
with pride
with joy
my sons
my dear sons
love one another
This blog has been quiet lately because we sold our home and moved to a new home! The new house is about 8 miles from our old house. We have been talking about downsizing for a few years now and… here we are! Packing up 20 years of living is crazy! We are grateful. Recently someone asked if I miss our old house. My reply, “Not at all.” However, I didn’t expect it to be so hard to say goodbye to our dining table. I helped the family who purchased our table and hutch by dismantling as much of the table as I could. When they took the table top out, the tears suddenly came.
a sturdy table
how many times
did we say grace
a setting
a space
for us just to be… us
conversations
confessions
interactions
admissions
revelations
contrition
a table is set
and becomes the place
where all the weight
of grave and gold
stories are told
and the broken bread
leaves a trail
leading to baby cries
spaghetti on the floor
broken family ties
a spilled drink
someone’s at the door
embraces of grace
birthday candles
graduation cake
love is a messy thing
it’s a long dangerous journey
of faith
hope
and love
homework and coffee
thanksgiving turkey
deep, endless laughter
tears
and the dread of uncertainty
are served alongside
a heap of understanding
conflict and honesty
i was surprised
when the tears
appeared as the table
was hauled away
i wondered
would they take away
the echoes of our conversations
the forgiveness that we found
the acceptance that we gave
the hurt that was served
the pain that was assuaged
it’s called downsizing
but my tears
are singing
a different tune
my soul is filled
my hearts breaks
somewhere along
the fault line
of gratitude and lament
time to reset
the table of my heart
a place of welcome
peace
family
love
in and around
this tattered old town
nestled in the state
of my mind
taking a stroll
on the pathways
through my soul
standing on the corner
i see memories
of younger days
melodies of different ways
on a street named regret
at the corner of joy
looking for an answer or two
reaching for something true
since i was a boy
acceptance
forgiveness
and gratitude
my heart yearns
for something more
than the sum total
of my days
so i set my gaze
on things above
the unseen real
unfailing love
and i wait and choose to be still as the sun settles down on this old tattered town i welcome the end of this day knowing it is the only way to a new dawn another pathway hidden in the Light safe in Him i rise i am safe in Him i’ll rise
something solid
something sure
at the beginning of the end
and i am feeling insecure
what will it take
for this heart
to settle down
i think
it’s something solid
something sure
something that lasts
something i can count on
i can’t seem to stop surrendering
to the stories i tell myself
no happy endings
why am i spending time
in all the shadows
won’t you tell me please
what will it take
for my mind to be at ease
i think
something that lasts
something i can count on
something quiet
something safe
when it all unravels
when the puzzle pieces
don’t match the picture
on the box
what will it take
for my soul to rest
for my eyes to see
i think it must be
something quiet
something safe
there is an old story
of the Son of Man
that abides
through the centuries
He walked upon
the same ancient soil
that i stumble upon
His words true and sure
pierce my heart
and a small glowing calm
lifts my head
for He was before
and will always be
His love is for all time
and my mind
can’t understand
but i choose to anchor
my thoughts to the peace
of His everlasting wisdom
His never ending love
and into all my searching
in the midst
of all the bingeing and the scrolling
He shouts stillness
into the noise of my life
calming
restoring
reminding
renewing
resurrecting
and singing over me
the pain remains
but i am unharmed
confusion seems to hold sway
but my fear is consoled
by His presence
beside me
above me
beneath me
all around me
there is a storm
but
He
is
thinking about nothing at all
while everything is running
around in my mind
getting acquainted
with a dull ache
emanating from somewhere
in the middle of the center
of the core of my tacet anxiety
settling down
into an emotional complacency
trying to find some safety
to make sense of it all
Immanuel is sleeping in the boat
while the weight of my heart
makes every step so hard
inches are like miles
enclosed on every side
by confusion and helplessness
what can i offer
what can i say
what can i do
awake my soul
for the sleeping Man of Sorrows
knows this storm
my soul comes to rest
on a cold lonely shore
and i wait
the winds and waves
are His
i wait
sometimes it doesn't feel like
anything is rising in me
held inside this gravity
on my knees i just can’t see
how
why
or when
life can be an in between
a canyon of waiting in the unseen
is there another side to this pain
another way to restore
loss
laughter
or song
O Light of the world color my soul
shine into these old tears
bring your radiance into my fears
and all this uncertainty
would you carry it for me
i believe you know the why
i trust you will show me how
i let this sunrise fill the eyes of my heart
and i cry for a morning with no more tears
no more pain
until then i wait and sing a sad song
to say thank you
i know
you
are
here
i’m trying
to let go
sometimes surrendering
doesn’t fit
all the shoulds i’m chasing
you see
i have this life equation
that should equal
the sum total
of all my expectations
of how it all should unfold
and then i see it unravel
everywhere and nowhere
i want to be
i’m trying
to let go
after all
we will all one day
let go of everything
so why do i try
to hang on to so much
like my pride
why didn’t you take
my side
i can only see
the me side
of you
like still holding onto
my right
and i’m right
and you’re not
i can’t see
how dark
and confusing
i make it for you
like when i hold onto
my disengaged attitude
pushing you away
silencing your voice
you’re not real
you don’t really know
what you feel
so let me
tell you
like when i hold onto
my fear
i don’t think
you’ll stay here
if you see the real
in me
God
help me
to let go
and to know
that even when i fall
that i am descending
into freedom
decreasing into the fullness
of who you made me to be
God
please help me
to
let
go
the Light chases us
even through
a dense darkness
a disorienting mist
that surrounds our efforts
to run towards anything
that helps us
to feel
loved
to feel
free
the Light waits for us
as we meander and stumble
through grief and sorrow
like a thick forest of tears
you cut your way through
angry branches
and leaves of sadness
but the forest
closes in
and muffles your weeping
the Light sees us
even when we can’t breath
and anxiety transforms the world
into a tiny box
from which
we cannot escape
and what we want
more than anything
is to be able
to stretch out our hand
so someone
can take hold
and guide us home
above
beneath
behind
in front of every cry
the Light
above
beneath
behind
in front of all your sorrow
the Light
above
beneath
behind
in front of all your fear
the Light
above
beneath
behind
in front of you
the Light
a hand extended
to guide you home
a warm embrace
to welcome you home
A collection of Fall beauty from Matthiessen State Park. This park features canyons, hiking trails, streams, and waterfalls. It is a jewel in the midst of the plains of the Midwest. Thanks for stopping by!
rutakintome pictures 
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