if i could fly

if i were only able to walk
i would roam to the sea
to the top of the mountains
and to the deep forest trees
if i were only able to run
i would chase the sunset
win the race to the sunrise
run after all the colors of the skies
and if i could fly
well
if i could fly and soar i would explore
the world with the power of my wings
as i listened to the sky colors sing
never again to walk or run
i would fly with the sun
ascend to the stars
and oh the songs i would sing
as i fly and carry the moon on my wings

- inspired by a fellow blogger

slow motion mending

sometimes i need to find
the time and silence
to unwind these coils of lies
these shackles of shame
and the commotion in my soul
so i sit in slow motion
while i name each derision
and consciously make the decision
to breathe in the Light of the World
and exhale all these false tales
that shield my heart
from receiving
the love on the Cross
He is bleeding
for me
losing His life
to save my own
taking my sin
calling it His own
this Christmas child
a King has come
to reign through love
and set me free
from the insanity
of my own making
so like these winter trees
i’ll surrender the leaves
those colors were so nice
but it’s just a show so i’ll let them go
and die
to what i think i know will set me free
and stay here in the mystery
of winter’s necessary death
it won’t last long
so with each breath
i’ll wait and sing a song
to the Christmas King
as He works in my soul
and rights all wrongs
He is my healer
my story writer
and life giver
i’ll wait
while He does
some slow motion mending
old things must have an ending
to make room for the new

a starling moment

so let’s talk of
autumn mornings
falling into my consciousness
sunny skies
shaking off the
midnight rain
while coffee murmurations
dance in my eyes
and i come into focus
crawling out of my dreams
stumbling towards awareness
senses trying to make
sense of the blue painted sky
and those tiny beads of coffee
are they escaping
the scalding dark amber sea
or just singing to
the Creator’s design
the indescribable
unmistakable aroma
is fresh and new
and tells old stories
it is a starling moment
and i don’t really know
what to make of it
so
i make my escape
with the coffee beads
and enjoy
the view

help me see me

you think the truth you spittin
is hittin and all the while
it’s missin the heart
why don’t you start with the
2 x 4 stickin out your face
you call it grace you say you love
but it feels like a shove
of theological grooves
that in your mouth
is just fake news
we all got the blues
we all need the truth
take a look in the mirror
are you clearer to you
maybe you should go
feel and find what you left behind
there’s nothin new
under that big bright star
who do you think you are
who do you think you are

start something new in me
set me free to be
restin instead of testin
everybody’s this and that
where am i at
what am i going to be
show me
me
show me
me

you say you prayin
but you just slayin
throwin hollow verses
that feel like curses
and what’s worse
is that when you done
you done
silence
no presence
silence
no assistance
silence
no shoulder to cry on
active love to rely on
your logic doesn’t do a thing
get in the ring and fight for the unseen
the unnoticed are real
whatever they see this world to be
connection is what they need
don’t log off when you have your say
and just walk away
why don’t you show up
level up
your argument is sound
but your heart can’t be found
you stand your ground
as you ground others down

start something new in me
set me free to be
restin instead of testin
everybody’s this and that
where am i at
what am i going to be
show me
me
show me
me

help us down here

when i see all the unrest
the could care less
and carelessness from those
who should be our best
it’s like a colorless sunset
hollow empty shiny but still
somethin’s missin’
life is just dissin’
you and me
got to see these leaders
and who they really be
raisin’ anger
makin’ danger
riled up
fired up
lied to
free to
upset
regress
and not reset
the soul
or console the whole
of our cities
our children
all the cryin’ moms
does anyone hear
the tears
they just busy shoutin’
making fear
screamin’ for what
what
do
you
want
take off your mask
and task yourself with being someone
who is against the grain
relieving pain
runnin’ away from the insane
inane life drain
of sin and self
of placing humanity on the shelf
so your cause won’t die
what’s the use
if we just abuse
and use
and consider others
refuse to throw away
when they refuse to say
what i want them to say
Lord color us
with mercy and grace
make space for us to change
and stop leaning into feelings
and stay here kneeling into releasing
the darkness we think is the light
color our hearts with love light and truth
solid
unchangeable
unquenchable truth fire
that is higher
than our silly ways
have your way
save us from us
and deliver us to
a new that never dies
and that one day
will help us to transcend the skies
and leave this place of sorrow and woe
no more night
no more pain
tears left behind
oh God above
make it so
make it so
we confess our sin
leave judgment to you
invite you to look within
our broken hearts
help us to start
to say no to lies and yes to your truth
oh God
have mercy
have mercy
oh God
color our hearts
like a sunset singing loud
testifying that you are here
you entered our pain
lived died and rose again
HALLELUJAH!
won’t you help us
down here
won’t you help us
down here

set free

i don't know about you
but there is so much
i need to say goodbye to
i'll welcome the endings
practice some surrendering
it's hard to study
all the expectations
that are now
a pile of eliminations
i thought this or that
would be the life
i would have
releasing longings
into the fiery ending
of this day
i guess
it will be okay
turns out being free
is not about me
trying to step aside
God
are you tired
of hearing
about my pride
set is ablaze
like the end of this day
i'm tired
of getting my way
love and hope
sin and shadow
peace and stillness
heartache and sorrow
is there a place
deep in the marrow
of my soul
where all
the counterpoint
of being human
is awakened
restored
and rises whole
saying goodbye
to all that tethers
me to this dirt
i'd rather
stiffen my neck
than lift up my eyes
stand on my own
than fall to my knees
search me
and know my heart
let all the parts of me
that you see
with grace
and mercy

be

set

free

motorcycle rides, the mighty mississippi, richard, and human connection

This year, April/May rains give way to an “it’s as dry and hot as August” June and early July. The rebellious corn paid no attention to the high temperatures and arid conditions. You could practically hear the fields defiantly celebrating and shouting, “Knee high by the 4th of July! We did it!”

For years now I have been riding my motorcycle through the vast corn and soybean fields in the northern plains of Illinois. When the corn is proud and adorned with tassels, it feels like you’re surfing along ocean waves of green and gold as the wind turns the stalks into an emerald sea with “goldcaps” worthy of carrying, or capsizing, any sea vessel.

One of my favorite rides is heading north on U.S. Route 52. To be more precise, Route 52 follows a northwest, southeast orientation. Taking it northwest, towards the Mississippi River,  I marvel at how the landscape lets go of the plains and clothes itself with gentle, rolling hills that can feature fantastic vistas of endless farm land, farm houses, and corn silos. My destination: Savanna, IL.

On this 4th of July ride it is almost too hot to ride. Bright, blinding sunlight bounces off of everything, giving the world a washed out, desaturated feel. It  feels good to finally make it to the river. Savanna has a simple riverfront, with a boat launch and a path along the banks of the river.

I find a bench and, as I sat, I noticed an older gentleman sitting to my left at a covered picnic table. I kept my foam ear plugs in and enjoy an apple and some cold water. I couldn’t have been on the bench for more than 3 minutes when muffled words breach my consciousness and I turn to see the older looking gentleman walking towards me, greeting me, and taking a seat right next to me. His bright blue eyes match his blue jeans and blue plaid shirt.

“Are you from this area?”

“No. I am about two and a half hours from home. I ride a motorcycle and come here often to enjoy the river.”

And that’s how my connection with Richard began. I say connection instead of conversation, because that’s what happened. We connected. Of course, we had a pleasant conversation, but it was the connection that turned this 4th of July ride into a delightful memory and meeting.

Richard is 82. He tells me he is related to many, if not most, of the people in the county. His family came to the US by boat from Germany. His dad was a farmer. He has two brothers: one is a preacher, the other is a teacher, and Richard was the farmer.

He tells me he comes to the river to talk, because he is alone now.

Of all the scenes of his life that he shared –  I mean, how much can two old guys cover while they talk along the banks of the Mississippi River on a hot 4th of July? – it was his recounting of his marriage to his wife that I found so captivating.

“What is your wife’s name?,” I ask.

“Twila. Not many people named Twila anymore.”

“No… not anymore. Such a pretty name.”

He tells me that Twila passed away 4 years ago and that she battled cancer for most of their life together. His life included countless trips to the emergency room, endless doctor visits and arranging for help to take care of Twila at home. He speaks with no regret, or bitterness in his tone.

He recalls taking riverboat rides with Twila and their friends. I comment on how Twila must have been quite a force to be reckoned with and he tells me the doctors all said the same thing.

I don’t know how long we talked about Twila, grandkids, our own kids, and a number of other topics, but suddenly he looked at his watch and said, “Well. I’m going to go eat some potato salad.”

I gently placed my hand on his shoulder and said, “Can I pray for you Richard?”

I told him earlier that I was a “preacher” like his brother, and that I have been pastoring for the past 20 years in a church in Minooka, IL.

We both bow our heads and I prayed for my new friend Richard.

Here is a bit of what I remember of my prayer: I am thankful for my new friend, Richard… I am grateful for the love and care that he faithfully gave Twila and how his example is helpful for me and a legacy for his family… I pray that he will continue to bear his loneliness with the same grace that he brings to connections along the banks of the river… 

After a pause, I say Amen. We both lifted our heads and opened our eyes at the same time. His tears are flowing and make his blue eyes sparkle even more. We just look at each other in silence for a moment. I gently place my hand on his shoulder and simply say, “Life is hard.”

We both shake our heads in silent agreement. He rises and walks to his vehicle.

I wipe away my tears, filled with gratitude for a chance to connect to such a wonderful man. I make a commitment in my heart to do the best I can to welcome and connect to anyone that God brings my way. Because sometimes I fail to do so. Spectacularly so. That will be the topic of my next post.

notice

I AM

awaken
arise
be still
settle
listen
inhale
confess
receive
notice

I AM
I AM

witness
believe
understand
surrender
let go
love
live
exhale
release
give

I AM
I AM

ponder
accept
reality
engage
weep
truth
heart
days
months
years
time
eternal
trust

I AM

sons and brothers

sons and brothers
brothers and sons
may you carry well
the love i tried to share with you
magnify any wisdom
you may have seen or heard
please forgive me
when you were young
i was trying to figure it out too
and it still feels like i am beginning
and now you walk together
and can see more
as you share the path
tell each other the story
of your movements through this world
and through my shadows
you may see me
as i hoped to be
as i was
and as i am
know i hold you both
the breadth and length
of you stories
are tucked away in my heart
an endless album
of images and melodies
from the day
the music of your tears
announced your birth
to this moment
as you read these words
i hold you both
in love
in honor
with pride
with joy
my sons
my dear sons
love one another

table thoughts

This blog has been quiet lately because we sold our home and moved to a new home! The new house is about 8 miles from our old house. We have been talking about downsizing for a few years now and… here we are! Packing up 20 years of living is crazy! We are grateful. Recently someone asked if I miss our old house. My reply, “Not at all.” However, I didn’t expect it to be so hard to say goodbye to our dining table. I helped the family who purchased our table and hutch by dismantling as much of the table as I could. When they took the table top out, the tears suddenly came.

a sturdy table
how many times
did we say grace
a setting
a space
for us just to be… us

conversations
confessions
interactions
admissions
revelations
contrition
a table is set
and becomes the place
where all the weight
of grave and gold
stories are told
and the broken bread
leaves a trail
leading to baby cries
spaghetti on the floor
broken family ties
a spilled drink
someone’s at the door
embraces of grace
birthday candles
graduation cake
love is a messy thing
it’s a long dangerous journey
of faith
hope
and love

homework and coffee
thanksgiving turkey
deep, endless laughter
tears
and the dread of uncertainty
are served alongside
a heap of understanding
conflict and honesty

i was surprised
when the tears
appeared as the table
was hauled away
i wondered
would they take away
the echoes of our conversations
the forgiveness that we found
the acceptance that we gave
the hurt that was served
the pain that was assuaged

it’s called downsizing
but my tears
are singing
a different tune
my soul is filled
my hearts breaks
somewhere along
the fault line
of gratitude and lament
time to reset
the table of my heart
a place of welcome
peace
family
love