alive in me

not sure that i'm ok
doesn't matter anyway
it's just another day
feeling like i lost my way
running here and running there
things to do
but i just don't care

got a few more likes
is this real life
a venti latte if you please
is anyone else ill at ease

i wonder if i scream
will i wake up from this dream
and feel again
and breathe again

the preacher said that He's alive
oh God i really hope that's true
i guess i want to be made new
all the old is just so hard
learn stuff
get stuff
and find a cause

i know i want to be set free
would really love to be just me

Jesus did you rise that high
higher than my shame inside
cause if you did please hear my cry
something has to change inside

confession is so hard for me
Jesus here is the real me
help me rise and live again
help me please i'm on my knees
dear God please rise
dear Jesus come alive
in me

rise

is there a sunrise
in all that is setting in me
will all the shadows
in this blackhole
that is me
finally flee

o rise
great Light of mine
please rise
i’m overwhelmed inside
so rise
great Light of mine
please rise
i don’t know
where to go
so
great Light of mine
rise

i keep leaving
the same place
i’ve been here before
i surrender again
remember again
the story of me
is yours

o rise
great Light of mine
please rise
won’t you
hear my cries
and rise
please still
my wandering heart
start something new inside
great Light of mine
rise

there’s a
never ending dawn
i long to see
i’ll cast aside
these anchors
finally free
i’ll be
just the me
you always dreamed
for me
and
just

rest

so rise
great Light of mine
please rise
i’ve got another
step to take
i can’t bear
all the weight
but i choose
to wait
for you
great Light
of mine
please
rise

clouds

so i might as well
write about the clouds today
lately more than a few
have come my way
but
hey
why do i think
that it has to
always go
my way

clouds
gray
lately they seem to stay
these uninvited guests
well
even when i try my best
to pretend
they just won't rest
until tears reappear
tearing through
my gray
gray
mind
oh i wonder if
i will ever find
a way
through
all the clouds
and all
the
gray

oh cardinal
is there a prayer for me
wrapped up 
in all your music
and melody
through the gray
the notes they fly
to find the light
they tell my soul
that it’s okay
to take a stroll
through
all the clouds
and all
the
gray
and just stay
wait
and
pray

a sweet gentle hum

i am trying to remember
that song
i think it was a duet
before all went wrong
maybe in a minor key
a slow tempo
a slow dance
a sparkling melody
it definitely had harmony
how did that song go

or
more to the counterpoint
where did that song go
i touch a note
play a chord
i rise and fall each day
like a wandering tune
not quite on the beat
trying to see
trying to find
do re mi
trying to find
you and me

the lyrics
started out so sweet
a story of promises
a promise to keep
maybe the strings
had too much tension
maybe the strings
became unwound
wounds have a way
of making their own
sound
telling their own
tale
and they set sail
on an ocean
of i just don’t care
to sing anymore
i put too many quarters
in this silent jukebox
never going back to the shore

three four
four four
six eight
i thought we would
top the charts
with each take
and now the page
is just dots and lines
i’m looking for my entrance
for my cue
i’m looking
i’m looking
for me
and for you

learning a new song
signing a new line
counting us in
not counting us out
like an endless fermata
you waited for me
we had to rest
there is music in that silence
it’s not the best
is yet to come
more like
holding on
holding hands
auditioning again
finding the perfect blend
of our beating broken hearts
let’s start by humming
a sweet
gentle hum
a wordless
song
that tells it all
holds it all
believes it all
and still
loves
the story it tells

snowy spring morning

well snowy spring morning
i wonder did you know
that through the window
of my soul
the snow is falling
soft and still
the birdsong
silent ‘neath the chill

and beauty
hides in the silence
and sadness hides
in the unknown
and hope hides
in the fleeting faith
that rises with
each falling flake of snow
did you know
snowy spring morning

there is something growing
in the waiting
flowers put their hoodies on
and trees are standing
at the ready
oh snowy spring morning
paint the ground
and sparkle the air
i’ll find the beauty
while the birds
remember their songs

and beauty
hides in the silence
and sadness hides
in the unknown
and hope hides
in the fleeting faith
that rises with
each falling flake of snow
did you know
snowy spring morning

mysterious love

uncertainty
disorientation
a gray shadow
blankets the light
confusion
an opaque spirit
descends in my mind
and tries to dislodge
hope from my soul
it nearly succeeds

turn to the left
turn to the right
turn around
move
stay still
speak
remain silent
try
surrender
everything matters
and nothing does
i can’t focus
on the next step
what kind of morning
is this
what kind of dawn
haunts me

i think i’ll wait
i choose to listen
my Maker is near
and He whispers
through the diffused
shadows of my fear
He sings through
the longing in my tears
and in this moment
nothing has changed
the struggle remains
so i yield to this moment
and trust
in His mysterious
love

o sunset sky

o sunset sky
i wonder if you cry
as you say goodbye
to all this day
has left behind
o sunset sky
would you stay with me
and cry
my sunset sky
o sunset sky
what do you see
as darkness falls
around me
this pain and loss
and mystery
i cannot see
what lies before me
o sunset sky
won’t you cry for me
o sunset sky
i know you try
to make smile
all that fire in the sky
it leaps so high
and fills my world
with colors
and beauty
and wonder
and that ache
in my heart
just starts
again
so goodbye
my sunset sky
goodbye

this surprise quiz called life

it feels like
it’s just out of my reach
just beyond my grasp
like a black and white ocean
through sad glass

the swells and sighs of the sea
capture my gaze
for a moment
time is as endless
as the white caps on the waves
that parade across the horizon

the answers
to the unspoken questions
on this surprise quiz called life 
the sadness that always
seems to rise inside
failure songs
refrains of shame
all that i don’t know or see
of the ocean depths in me

oh spirit swept waves of grace
drown me in your peace
let my countenance be raised
my fear assuaged
my longing engaged
in the rapture
of your ways
i surrender
helper
comforter
to your ways

so much love

i suppose
that when
in your 90’s
that the road
behind you
has more to tell
than the road ahead
and instead of the worry
and the hurry
to get
where you thought
you should be
you listen to
that long long road

i hear my mom
as she walks that road
and stops along the way
she pauses and wonders
what can she say
to give thanks to God
for her family
what can she say
to give thanks to God
for all the love
that surrounded
her journey

in one story
she laments her losses
then as the tears are flowing
a moment comes to the surface
and suddenly she laughs
sorrow harmonizes with joy
laughter sings with tragedy
but still
still gives thanks
and on that road
she remembers
all the gifts
without number
that she has shared
with family
with friends

now she’s tired
her most frequent visitor
is pain
here eyes are dim
but her voice
doesn’t wane
as she skips down that road
picking memories
like a beautiful rose
she holds in her hands
the important things
that somehow
we forget
but she knows
and her wisdom falls
like sweet silver snow
on the hearts
of all who listen
bringing light
and it just glistens
in your soul

she recalls the years
with pride
and with deep lament
she speaks
of her mom and dad
her sisters
her brothers
with thankfulness
carried by her tears
she speaks of their love
so
much
love

there is a power
in her spirit
that pays no attention
to her age
or the sheer exhaustion
of each day
her diminished frame
is a sanctuary
of strength
and love

i hope i have passed along
the smallest portion
of her love to my family
for even a fragment
of that love
would fill the world
would flood a soul
would help mend the wounds
we all carry

thank you mom
for speaking truth
for remembering to laugh
for lamenting all the sadness
for all your love
so
much
love

i sang along

i heard some music today
the rhythm section of a little girl
skipping behind her mom

a gentle touch
from a medical sage
as he sang
-  you’re going to be okay -

the pale brown dried hydrangeas
shivering or dancing
to the melody
of this damp winter wind

i heard the horn section
of one member
of the bumper to bumper traffic
play a long steady tone
no doubt the driver
was in the fermata lane
and rules are rules

even the gray sky
somehow drew it’s bow
across the horizon
a deep ostinato
boasting of its power
to tame the light

it’s all music to me
a chaos of simplicity
a pale beauty
a human connection
a reason to dance
when there is no reason
to be found
so

i
sang
along