help us down here

when i see all the unrest
the could care less
and carelessness from those
who should be our best
it’s like a colorless sunset
hollow empty shiny but still
somethin’s missin’
life is just dissin’
you and me
got to see these leaders
and who they really be
raisin’ anger
makin’ danger
riled up
fired up
lied to
free to
upset
regress
and not reset
the soul
or console the whole
of our cities
our children
all the cryin’ moms
does anyone hear
the tears
they just busy shoutin’
making fear
screamin’ for what
what
do
you
want
take off your mask
and task yourself with being someone
who is against the grain
relieving pain
runnin’ away from the insane
inane life drain
of sin and self
of placing humanity on the shelf
so your cause won’t die
what’s the use
if we just abuse
and use
and consider others
refuse to throw away
when they refuse to say
what i want them to say
Lord color us
with mercy and grace
make space for us to change
and stop leaning into feelings
and stay here kneeling into releasing
the darkness we think is the light
color our hearts with love light and truth
solid
unchangeable
unquenchable truth fire
that is higher
than our silly ways
have your way
save us from us
and deliver us to
a new that never dies
and that one day
will help us to transcend the skies
and leave this place of sorrow and woe
no more night
no more pain
tears left behind
oh God above
make it so
make it so
we confess our sin
leave judgment to you
invite you to look within
our broken hearts
help us to start
to say no to lies and yes to your truth
oh God
have mercy
have mercy
oh God
color our hearts
like a sunset singing loud
testifying that you are here
you entered our pain
lived died and rose again
HALLELUJAH!
won’t you help us
down here
won’t you help us
down here

change me

sometimes it feels like
i don’t know anymore
can you point me
to the exit door
i thought it would be the tribe
that had the right vibe
or the cool cause
would become my why
but I find myself
asking why
the night seems darker
and all the sides just lie
messages dance and prance
through the
social media sphere
shouting
the truth is here
the truth is here
the truth is here
what you see is what is true
period
what i see is false
period
we’re both right
we’re both wrong
period
so we sing our song
loud and proud
and if you won’t sing along
and if I won’t play
cancel
cancel
cancel
we say
but i am here
and so are you
maybe the push to win
is just polished
acceptable sin
i’m trying to see
to open my heart
to start a conversation
to lay down my weapons
to deal with me
to recognize
what’s inside
this flawed broken man
learning to stand on my knees
dear God
help me please
to realize
that there is no prize
waiting for any side
when we choose to erase
a person who has
or doesn’t have faith
we all bear His image
we all need a center
it can’t be me
it can’t be you
the Creator’s justice
His love and grace
is solid and true
for me for you
the human race
needs to slow down
and embrace
our limited sight
our twisted mind
and instead
taste and see
He is good
He is good
He is good
you and i
are not the answer
to the problems we’ve made
it’s the enemy within
this fractured soul
that needs redemption
to be made whole
what if we stopped
stealing the healing
with all our shouting and screaming
and in stillness and silence
we met our Creator
and finally meet ourselves
as we really are
and quietly pray
change me
change me
change me

Lord have mercy

You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy.
But I say, love your enemies!
Pray for those who persecute you!
In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven.
Matthew 5:43-45

I will proclaim the name of the Lord; how glorious is our God!
He is the Rock; his deeds are perfect.
Everything he does is just and fair.
He is a faithful God who does no wrong; how just and upright he is!
Deuteronomy 32:3-4

a wife weeps for her husband
fatherless children
are given
shattered lives

some lament
some deride
a nation is disoriented
broken
lost on one side
lost on that side too
the heart of the country
needs a gps
we are lost
no
it’s worse

a wife weeps for her husband
fatherless children
are given
shattered lives

in a windy city nearby
some wonder
about all the fuss
holes in their walls
are covered by pictures
of sons and daughters
moms and dads
senselessly stolen
from love and home
and not a single post
not a single thread
to remember their dead

a wife weeps for her husband
fatherless children
are given
shattered lives

is our justice the best
is our judgment pure
we must choose
our response
to the horror
in front of us
we must ponder
what is in our hearts

a wife weeps for her husband
fatherless children
are given
shattered lives

God will let us go
our own way
religious lines
party lines
hold no meaning
for what resides
in the heart
will be revealed
it’s not the affiliation
or denomination
we may think we carry light
or hold truth
Lord have mercy

a wife weeps for her husband
fatherless children
are given
shattered lives

what do you want
or
is there a better question
what do we need
what is wrong
maybe we should just stop
ponder
wait
listen
grieve
kneel
plead
is God, God?
is Jesus
alive?
what kind of ambassador
am i
may we be
true children
of our Father in heaven
for he is just and fair

a wife weeps for her husband
fatherless children
are given
shattered lives

a prayer for self-awareness

open my eyes
and let me see
the impact of me
in the eyes
of those
i say i love
in the face
of the stranger
in the heart of my friends
help me see
my flaws
help me
see my brokenness
help me see
the fractures
and inconsistencies
in me
that i so readily ignore
but call out in others

dear God
may the tone
of my words
carry grace
acceptance
and peace
let my heart be open
to know when to engage
and when to disengage
always with kindness
and gentleness
and help me love
with listening
help me love
with understanding
help me love
with an other-centered spirit
help me
to
love
as you reveal
me
to
me

prayer for mercy

am i descending
or ascending
is this praying
or just doing my own thing
cradling my heavy head
in my tear stained palms
i think
this time it will be different
my life will change
my heart will finally
be rearranged
only to realize
that even if my knees
were nailed to the earth
i stubbornly refuse to bend my will
instead i choose to stand in shame
is this my heart rising
to our Father who art in heaven
or am i running
stumbling
down into myself
help me be free
let my eyes see
and may my ears
listen to the sheer silence
of your kindness
open this heart
mend my mind
in love
mercy
and forgiveness
i want to rise
so help me
bow down
be still
let go
and
listen to the sheer silence
of your kindness

set free

i don't know about you
but there is so much
i need to say goodbye to
i'll welcome the endings
practice some surrendering
it's hard to study
all the expectations
that are now
a pile of eliminations
i thought this or that
would be the life
i would have
releasing longings
into the fiery ending
of this day
i guess
it will be okay
turns out being free
is not about me
trying to step aside
God
are you tired
of hearing
about my pride
set is ablaze
like the end of this day
i'm tired
of getting my way
love and hope
sin and shadow
peace and stillness
heartache and sorrow
is there a place
deep in the marrow
of my soul
where all
the counterpoint
of being human
is awakened
restored
and rises whole
saying goodbye
to all that tethers
me to this dirt
i'd rather
stiffen my neck
than lift up my eyes
stand on my own
than fall to my knees
search me
and know my heart
let all the parts of me
that you see
with grace
and mercy

be

set

free

his eyes

In my previous post I shared about an encounter with Richard along the banks of the Mississippi River in Savanna, IL. That post ended this way:

I make a commitment in my heart to do the best I can to welcome and connect to anyone that God brings my way. Because sometimes I fail to do so. Spectacularly so. That will be the topic of my next post.

What follows is “my next post.”

His eyes. I can still see his eyes. Those eyes carried all the disappointment and desperation in the world. When I rejected his simple request, his shoulders, his entire body, just sank… his body began to diminish under the weight of my rejection, as if he would simply deflate and end up a pile of broken, wounded flesh and bones still crying out for for assistance… acceptance… love… And those eyes… well… I can still see the impact of my rejection in his eyes. I think if he began crying, he Would. Never. Stop.

My wife and I just walked out of the store. I wasn’t in a rush to get anywhere, although, as an America in a culture that awards busyness and activity, my unspoken expectation is to be free of delay or interruption because I have to get nowhere in particular, and I have to get there quickly.

I don’t remember his exact words, but suddenly we turned around because we did hear a gentleman say something. It was one of those moments where my first inner response was, “Where did he come from?”

He was slowly walking towards us. He looked impossibly tired. He spoke softly… gently… but there seemed to be a great effort behind his tone. As if he were holding back the story of his life of pain, loss and suffering. He simply asked for some money to by some food.

He began to explain why he needed some help, but I interrupted him. I did not even give him the dignity of listening to his story. And I am a pastor who understands and has talked about the importance of listening, because listening is so close to being loved that most people can’t tell the difference.

“I’m sorry, we can’t right now.” That’s when he began to deflate. Then I turned and walked away.

We got in the car and my dear wife said, “We could have brought him into the store to get him some food.”

There is no excuse for my response. It reveals a coldness and pride that is ugly. I know better, but my problem is usually not about what I know. I have asked for forgiveness and mercy. I still need that today. And will need it tomorrow.

Kyrie eleison. Chiste eleison.

I move forward not wanting to be a better person. I move forward praying that I will display the mercy, grace, and love that I claim to be my faith.

Thanks for listening.

motorcycle rides, the mighty mississippi, richard, and human connection

This year, April/May rains give way to an “it’s as dry and hot as August” June and early July. The rebellious corn paid no attention to the high temperatures and arid conditions. You could practically hear the fields defiantly celebrating and shouting, “Knee high by the 4th of July! We did it!”

For years now I have been riding my motorcycle through the vast corn and soybean fields in the northern plains of Illinois. When the corn is proud and adorned with tassels, it feels like you’re surfing along ocean waves of green and gold as the wind turns the stalks into an emerald sea with “goldcaps” worthy of carrying, or capsizing, any sea vessel.

One of my favorite rides is heading north on U.S. Route 52. To be more precise, Route 52 follows a northwest, southeast orientation. Taking it northwest, towards the Mississippi River,  I marvel at how the landscape lets go of the plains and clothes itself with gentle, rolling hills that can feature fantastic vistas of endless farm land, farm houses, and corn silos. My destination: Savanna, IL.

On this 4th of July ride it is almost too hot to ride. Bright, blinding sunlight bounces off of everything, giving the world a washed out, desaturated feel. It  feels good to finally make it to the river. Savanna has a simple riverfront, with a boat launch and a path along the banks of the river.

I find a bench and, as I sat, I noticed an older gentleman sitting to my left at a covered picnic table. I kept my foam ear plugs in and enjoy an apple and some cold water. I couldn’t have been on the bench for more than 3 minutes when muffled words breach my consciousness and I turn to see the older looking gentleman walking towards me, greeting me, and taking a seat right next to me. His bright blue eyes match his blue jeans and blue plaid shirt.

“Are you from this area?”

“No. I am about two and a half hours from home. I ride a motorcycle and come here often to enjoy the river.”

And that’s how my connection with Richard began. I say connection instead of conversation, because that’s what happened. We connected. Of course, we had a pleasant conversation, but it was the connection that turned this 4th of July ride into a delightful memory and meeting.

Richard is 82. He tells me he is related to many, if not most, of the people in the county. His family came to the US by boat from Germany. His dad was a farmer. He has two brothers: one is a preacher, the other is a teacher, and Richard was the farmer.

He tells me he comes to the river to talk, because he is alone now.

Of all the scenes of his life that he shared –  I mean, how much can two old guys cover while they talk along the banks of the Mississippi River on a hot 4th of July? – it was his recounting of his marriage to his wife that I found so captivating.

“What is your wife’s name?,” I ask.

“Twila. Not many people named Twila anymore.”

“No… not anymore. Such a pretty name.”

He tells me that Twila passed away 4 years ago and that she battled cancer for most of their life together. His life included countless trips to the emergency room, endless doctor visits and arranging for help to take care of Twila at home. He speaks with no regret, or bitterness in his tone.

He recalls taking riverboat rides with Twila and their friends. I comment on how Twila must have been quite a force to be reckoned with and he tells me the doctors all said the same thing.

I don’t know how long we talked about Twila, grandkids, our own kids, and a number of other topics, but suddenly he looked at his watch and said, “Well. I’m going to go eat some potato salad.”

I gently placed my hand on his shoulder and said, “Can I pray for you Richard?”

I told him earlier that I was a “preacher” like his brother, and that I have been pastoring for the past 20 years in a church in Minooka, IL.

We both bow our heads and I prayed for my new friend Richard.

Here is a bit of what I remember of my prayer: I am thankful for my new friend, Richard… I am grateful for the love and care that he faithfully gave Twila and how his example is helpful for me and a legacy for his family… I pray that he will continue to bear his loneliness with the same grace that he brings to connections along the banks of the river… 

After a pause, I say Amen. We both lifted our heads and opened our eyes at the same time. His tears are flowing and make his blue eyes sparkle even more. We just look at each other in silence for a moment. I gently place my hand on his shoulder and simply say, “Life is hard.”

We both shake our heads in silent agreement. He rises and walks to his vehicle.

I wipe away my tears, filled with gratitude for a chance to connect to such a wonderful man. I make a commitment in my heart to do the best I can to welcome and connect to anyone that God brings my way. Because sometimes I fail to do so. Spectacularly so. That will be the topic of my next post.

a little bit of new york in my life, last part

The last three posts have been about images from my time in New York. Specifically, a meditation on my home and family on Long Island, and my stroll across the Brooklyn Bridge. This post contains a few “leftovers” from my time in Lower Manhattan and features The Oculus and a single subway image. If you enter “Oculus” in the search box to the left you can check out my other images of the amazing Oculus.

a little bit of new york in my life, part 2

Part 2 of images from my first stroll across the Brooklyn Bridge.