when i see all the unrest the could care less and carelessness from those who should be our best it’s like a colorless sunset hollow empty shiny but still somethin’s missin’ life is just dissin’ you and me got to see these leaders and who they really be raisin’ anger makin’ danger riled up fired up lied to free to upset regress and not reset the soul or console the whole of our cities our children all the cryin’ moms does anyone hear the tears they just busy shoutin’ making fear screamin’ for what what do you want take off your mask and task yourself with being someone who is against the grain relieving pain runnin’ away from the insane inane life drain of sin and self of placing humanity on the shelf so your cause won’t die what’s the use if we just abuse and use and consider others refuse to throw away when they refuse to say what i want them to say Lord color us with mercy and grace make space for us to change and stop leaning into feelings and stay here kneeling into releasing the darkness we think is the light color our hearts with love light and truth solid unchangeable unquenchable truth fire that is higher than our silly ways have your way save us from us and deliver us to a new that never dies and that one day will help us to transcend the skies and leave this place of sorrow and woe no more night no more pain tears left behind oh God above make it so make it so we confess our sin leave judgment to you invite you to look within our broken hearts help us to start to say no to lies and yes to your truth oh God have mercy have mercy oh God color our hearts like a sunset singing loud testifying that you are here you entered our pain lived died and rose again HALLELUJAH! won’t you help us down here won’t you help us down here
sometimes it feels like i don’t know anymore can you point me to the exit door i thought it would be the tribe that had the right vibe or the cool cause would become my why but I find myself asking why the night seems darker and all the sides just lie messages dance and prance through the social media sphere shouting the truth is here the truth is here the truth is here what you see is what is true period what i see is false period we’re both right we’re both wrong period so we sing our song loud and proud and if you won’t sing along and if I won’t play cancel cancel cancel we say but i am here and so are you maybe the push to win is just polished acceptable sin i’m trying to see to open my heart to start a conversation to lay down my weapons to deal with me to recognize what’s inside this flawed broken man learning to stand on my knees dear God help me please to realize that there is no prize waiting for any side when we choose to erase a person who has or doesn’t have faith we all bear His image we all need a center it can’t be me it can’t be you the Creator’s justice His love and grace is solid and true for me for you the human race needs to slow down and embrace our limited sight our twisted mind and instead taste and see He is good He is good He is good you and i are not the answer to the problems we’ve made it’s the enemy within this fractured soul that needs redemption to be made whole what if we stopped stealing the healing with all our shouting and screaming and in stillness and silence we met our Creator and finally meet ourselves as we really are and quietly pray change me change me change me
You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:43-45
I will proclaim the name of the Lord; how glorious is our God! He is the Rock; his deeds are perfect. Everything he does is just and fair. He is a faithful God who does no wrong; how just and upright he is! Deuteronomy 32:3-4
a wife weeps for her husband fatherless children are given shattered lives
some lament some deride a nation is disoriented broken lost on one side lost on that side too the heart of the country needs a gps we are lost no it’s worse
a wife weeps for her husband fatherless children are given shattered lives
in a windy city nearby some wonder about all the fuss holes in their walls are covered by pictures of sons and daughters moms and dads senselessly stolen from love and home and not a single post not a single thread to remember their dead
a wife weeps for her husband fatherless children are given shattered lives
is our justice the best is our judgment pure we must choose our response to the horror in front of us we must ponder what is in our hearts
a wife weeps for her husband fatherless children are given shattered lives
God will let us go our own way religious lines party lines hold no meaning for what resides in the heart will be revealed it’s not the affiliation or denomination we may think we carry light or hold truth Lord have mercy
a wife weeps for her husband fatherless children are given shattered lives
what do you want or is there a better question what do we need what is wrong maybe we should just stop ponder wait listen grieve kneel plead is God, God? is Jesus alive? what kind of ambassador am i may we be true children of our Father in heaven for he is just and fair
a wife weeps for her husband fatherless children are given shattered lives
open my eyes and let me see the impact of me in the eyes of those i say i love in the face of the stranger in the heart of my friends help me see my flaws help me see my brokenness help me see the fractures and inconsistencies in me that i so readily ignore but call out in others
dear God may the tone of my words carry grace acceptance and peace let my heart be open to know when to engage and when to disengage always with kindness and gentleness and help me love with listening help me love with understanding help me love with an other-centered spirit help me to love as you reveal me to me
am i descending or ascending is this praying or just doing my own thing cradling my heavy head in my tear stained palms i think this time it will be different my life will change my heart will finally be rearranged only to realize that even if my knees were nailed to the earth i stubbornly refuse to bend my will instead i choose to stand in shame is this my heart rising to our Father who art in heaven or am i running stumbling down into myself help me be free let my eyes see and may my ears listen to the sheer silence of your kindness open this heart mend my mind in love mercy and forgiveness i want to rise so help me bow down be still let go and listen to the sheer silence of your kindness
i don't know about you but there is so much i need to say goodbye to i'll welcome the endings practice some surrendering
it's hard to study all the expectations that are now a pile of eliminations i thought this or that would be the life i would have releasing longings into the fiery ending of this day i guess it will be okay
turns out being free is not about me trying to step aside God are you tired of hearing about my pride set is ablaze like the end of this day i'm tired of getting my way
love and hope sin and shadow peace and stillness heartache and sorrow is there a place deep in the marrow of my soul where all the counterpoint of being human is awakened restored and rises whole
saying goodbye to all that tethers me to this dirt i'd rather stiffen my neck than lift up my eyes stand on my own than fall to my knees search me and know my heart let all the parts of me that you see with grace and mercy
In my previous post I shared about an encounter with Richard along the banks of the Mississippi River in Savanna, IL. That post ended this way:
I make a commitment in my heart to do the best I can to welcome and connect to anyone that God brings my way. Because sometimes I fail to do so. Spectacularly so. That will be the topic of my next post.
What follows is “my next post.”
His eyes. I can still see his eyes. Those eyes carried all the disappointment and desperation in the world. When I rejected his simple request, his shoulders, his entire body, just sank… his body began to diminish under the weight of my rejection, as if he would simply deflate and end up a pile of broken, wounded flesh and bones still crying out for for assistance… acceptance… love… And those eyes… well… I can still see the impact of my rejection in his eyes. I think if he began crying, he Would. Never. Stop.
My wife and I just walked out of the store. I wasn’t in a rush to get anywhere, although, as an America in a culture that awards busyness and activity, my unspoken expectation is to be free of delay or interruption because I have to get nowhere in particular, and I have to get there quickly.
I don’t remember his exact words, but suddenly we turned around because we did hear a gentleman say something. It was one of those moments where my first inner response was, “Where did he come from?”
He was slowly walking towards us. He looked impossibly tired. He spoke softly… gently… but there seemed to be a great effort behind his tone. As if he were holding back the story of his life of pain, loss and suffering. He simply asked for some money to by some food.
He began to explain why he needed some help, but I interrupted him. I did not even give him the dignity of listening to his story. And I am a pastor who understands and has talked about the importance of listening, because listening is so close to being loved that most people can’t tell the difference.
“I’m sorry, we can’t right now.” That’s when he began to deflate. Then I turned and walked away.
We got in the car and my dear wife said, “We could have brought him into the store to get him some food.”
There is no excuse for my response. It reveals a coldness and pride that is ugly. I know better, but my problem is usually not about what I know. I have asked for forgiveness and mercy. I still need that today. And will need it tomorrow.
Kyrie eleison. Chiste eleison.
I move forward not wanting to be a better person. I move forward praying that I will display the mercy, grace, and love that I claim to be my faith.
This year, April/May rains give way to an “it’s as dry and hot as August” June and early July. The rebellious corn paid no attention to the high temperatures and arid conditions. You could practically hear the fields defiantly celebrating and shouting, “Knee high by the 4th of July! We did it!”
For years now I have been riding my motorcycle through the vast corn and soybean fields in the northern plains of Illinois. When the corn is proud and adorned with tassels, it feels like you’re surfing along ocean waves of green and gold as the wind turns the stalks into an emerald sea with “goldcaps” worthy of carrying, or capsizing, any sea vessel.
One of my favorite rides is heading north on U.S. Route 52. To be more precise, Route 52 follows a northwest, southeast orientation. Taking it northwest, towards the Mississippi River, I marvel at how the landscape lets go of the plains and clothes itself with gentle, rolling hills that can feature fantastic vistas of endless farm land, farm houses, and corn silos. My destination: Savanna, IL.
On this 4th of July ride it is almost too hot to ride. Bright, blinding sunlight bounces off of everything, giving the world a washed out, desaturated feel. It feels good to finally make it to the river. Savanna has a simple riverfront, with a boat launch and a path along the banks of the river.
I find a bench and, as I sat, I noticed an older gentleman sitting to my left at a covered picnic table. I kept my foam ear plugs in and enjoy an apple and some cold water. I couldn’t have been on the bench for more than 3 minutes when muffled words breach my consciousness and I turn to see the older looking gentleman walking towards me, greeting me, and taking a seat right next to me. His bright blue eyes match his blue jeans and blue plaid shirt.
“Are you from this area?”
“No. I am about two and a half hours from home. I ride a motorcycle and come here often to enjoy the river.”
And that’s how my connection with Richard began. I say connection instead of conversation, because that’s what happened. We connected. Of course, we had a pleasant conversation, but it was the connection that turned this 4th of July ride into a delightful memory and meeting.
Richard is 82. He tells me he is related to many, if not most, of the people in the county. His family came to the US by boat from Germany. His dad was a farmer. He has two brothers: one is a preacher, the other is a teacher, and Richard was the farmer.
He tells me he comes to the river to talk, because he is alone now.
Of all the scenes of his life that he shared – I mean, how much can two old guys cover while they talk along the banks of the Mississippi River on a hot 4th of July? – it was his recounting of his marriage to his wife that I found so captivating.
“What is your wife’s name?,” I ask.
“Twila. Not many people named Twila anymore.”
“No… not anymore. Such a pretty name.”
He tells me that Twila passed away 4 years ago and that she battled cancer for most of their life together. His life included countless trips to the emergency room, endless doctor visits and arranging for help to take care of Twila at home. He speaks with no regret, or bitterness in his tone.
He recalls taking riverboat rides with Twila and their friends. I comment on how Twila must have been quite a force to be reckoned with and he tells me the doctors all said the same thing.
I don’t know how long we talked about Twila, grandkids, our own kids, and a number of other topics, but suddenly he looked at his watch and said, “Well. I’m going to go eat some potato salad.”
I gently placed my hand on his shoulder and said, “Can I pray for you Richard?”
I told him earlier that I was a “preacher” like his brother, and that I have been pastoring for the past 20 years in a church in Minooka, IL.
We both bow our heads and I prayed for my new friend Richard.
Here is a bit of what I remember of my prayer: I am thankful for my new friend, Richard… I am grateful for the love and care that he faithfully gave Twila and how his example is helpful for me and a legacy for his family… I pray that he will continue to bear his loneliness with the same grace that he brings to connections along the banks of the river…
After a pause, I say Amen. We both lifted our heads and opened our eyes at the same time. His tears are flowing and make his blue eyes sparkle even more. We just look at each other in silence for a moment. I gently place my hand on his shoulder and simply say, “Life is hard.”
We both shake our heads in silent agreement. He rises and walks to his vehicle.
I wipe away my tears, filled with gratitude for a chance to connect to such a wonderful man. I make a commitment in my heart to do the best I can to welcome and connect to anyone that God brings my way. Because sometimes I fail to do so. Spectacularly so. That will be the topic of my next post.
The last three posts have been about images from my time in New York. Specifically, a meditation on my home and family on Long Island, and my stroll across the Brooklyn Bridge. This post contains a few “leftovers” from my time in Lower Manhattan and features The Oculus and a single subway image. If you enter “Oculus” in the search box to the left you can check out my other images of the amazing Oculus.
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