all the goodbyes

a fleeting embrace
ending
with one last glance
one last wave
as you step
through security
with no one to help you
with your insecurity
ushered into
a waiting room
after transferring a kiss
from you hand
to her forehead
overwhelming outcomes
swirl in your mind
a quiet prayer
folded hands
shoulders
crushed beneath
sorrow and pain
rest
gently rest
i’ll see you
again
a collection
of expectations
neatly organized
as you donate them
to the upside down reality
that is also your lament

younger days
when smiles
were abundant
surrender to
deep steel eyes
aged by the weight
of all that you must release
all that you thought
was the melody of your journey
memories
that just fade
and others
that won’t go away
songs that remain
falling into the echoes
of time and reminiscence
of sad joy
and mournful gratitude
sunsets loudly
dazzle your soul
swallowed by night
colors overtaken
by unstoppable darkness
still
i welcome
every hello
every greeting
every start
every beginning
every hope
every hug
every grace
every possibility
every giggle
every sunset
every sunrise
while holding
all the goodbyes
and i’m glad
so
immeasurably
glad

i
am
with
you

oh Lord and Light

like a black sea
stretching out before me
all this mystery
of what is yet to be
all that i cannot see

like a black sky
slowly descending over me
telling shadow stories
all i cannot hide
a dark gray canopy
made up of all my whys

oh Lord and Light
guide me on my way
help me navigate
this story through the night
waiting for the day
longing for all made right
for the unseen real
to replace
what all the senses feel

like a dark wave
swallowing up my soul
all the doubt and shame
why must it
be this way
growing old
is growing close
to a different shore
to so much more
than the sum of my failures
or anything labeled
a success
it’s all just a mess

oh Lord and Light
i’m grateful
that you gave me sight
for this mess
that i call my life
for you carried me
you saw me
you ransomed me
so i’ll follow you
i’ll turn to you
surrender to you
and let you tell me who i am
for you are love
and far above this darkened sky
and far below this blackened sea
your glory and light
your power and might
the Lord and Light
is with me
in me
all around me

the Lord and Light
is with me
in me
all around me

finding the story of me

a little older
but none the wiser
at least it feels that way
saying goodbye to this day
i see the light slip away
like the fading memories 
that fill my mind
so many
would have
could have
should have moments
that i can’t reach
but they reach me
they teach me
to walk
with heaven in view
it’s okay to be
somewhat new
tired of all the blame
at the end of the shame game
open my eyes to see
the new
you’ve place
in me
so i can rise
above the gravity
and rest
in stillness
the silence
of deliverance
the calming
resonance
of your presence
eternity in me
there is Truth
that doesn’t fade away
a Light
that glows bright
through the day
and through the night

healing
mending
making all things right
like they were meant to be
weightless melodies
singing endless songs
free to sing along
redeemed from all that's wrong
you see i’m finding life
is letting go
of all the why
and it’s okay
to cry
to mourn
to feel
every lament
so i can fly
towards the light
not just a leap of faith
it’s accepting grace
and shining bright
swimming in
eternal light
finding the story
of me
in the Way
the Truth
the Life

so much love

i suppose
that when
in your 90’s
that the road
behind you
has more to tell
than the road ahead
and instead of the worry
and the hurry
to get
where you thought
you should be
you listen to
that long long road

i hear my mom
as she walks that road
and stops along the way
she pauses and wonders
what can she say
to give thanks to God
for her family
what can she say
to give thanks to God
for all the love
that surrounded
her journey

in one story
she laments her losses
then as the tears are flowing
a moment comes to the surface
and suddenly she laughs
sorrow harmonizes with joy
laughter sings with tragedy
but still
still gives thanks
and on that road
she remembers
all the gifts
without number
that she has shared
with family
with friends

now she’s tired
her most frequent visitor
is pain
here eyes are dim
but her voice
doesn’t wane
as she skips down that road
picking memories
like a beautiful rose
she holds in her hands
the important things
that somehow
we forget
but she knows
and her wisdom falls
like sweet silver snow
on the hearts
of all who listen
bringing light
and it just glistens
in your soul

she recalls the years
with pride
and with deep lament
she speaks
of her mom and dad
her sisters
her brothers
with thankfulness
carried by her tears
she speaks of their love
so
much
love

there is a power
in her spirit
that pays no attention
to her age
or the sheer exhaustion
of each day
her diminished frame
is a sanctuary
of strength
and love

i hope i have passed along
the smallest portion
of her love to my family
for even a fragment
of that love
would fill the world
would flood a soul
would help mend the wounds
we all carry

thank you mom
for speaking truth
for remembering to laugh
for lamenting all the sadness
for all your love
so
much
love