uncertainty disorientation a gray shadow blankets the light confusion an opaque spirit descends in my mind and tries to dislodge hope from my soul it nearly succeeds
turn to the left turn to the right turn around move stay still speak remain silent try surrender everything matters and nothing does i can’t focus on the next step what kind of morning is this what kind of dawn haunts me
i think i’ll wait i choose to listen my Maker is near and He whispers through the diffused shadows of my fear He sings through the longing in my tears and in this moment nothing has changed the struggle remains so i yield to this moment and trust in His mysterious love
o sunset sky
i wonder if you cry
as you say goodbye
to all this day
has left behind
o sunset sky
would you stay with me
and cry
my sunset sky
o sunset sky
what do you see
as darkness falls
around me
this pain and loss
and mystery
i cannot see
what lies before me
o sunset sky
won’t you cry for me
o sunset sky
i know you try
to make smile
all that fire in the sky
it leaps so high
and fills my world
with colors
and beauty
and wonder
and that ache
in my heart
just starts
again
so goodbye
my sunset sky
goodbye
it feels like
it’s just out of my reach
just beyond my grasp
like a black and white ocean
through sad glass
the swells and sighs of the sea
capture my gaze
for a moment
time is as endless
as the white caps on the waves
that parade across the horizon
the answers
to the unspoken questions
on this surprise quiz called life
the sadness that always
seems to rise inside
failure songs
refrains of shame
all that i don’t know or see
of the ocean depths in me
oh spirit swept waves of grace
drown me in your peace
let my countenance be raised
my fear assuaged
my longing engaged
in the rapture
of your ways
i surrender
helper
comforter
to your ways
i suppose
that when
in your 90’s
that the road
behind you
has more to tell
than the road ahead
and instead of the worry
and the hurry
to get
where you thought
you should be
you listen to
that long long road
i hear my mom
as she walks that road
and stops along the way
she pauses and wonders
what can she say
to give thanks to God
for her family
what can she say
to give thanks to God
for all the love
that surrounded
her journey
in one story
she laments her losses
then as the tears are flowing
a moment comes to the surface
and suddenly she laughs
sorrow harmonizes with joy
laughter sings with tragedy
but still
still gives thanks
and on that road
she remembers
all the gifts
without number
that she has shared
with family
with friends
now she’s tired
her most frequent visitor
is pain
here eyes are dim
but her voice
doesn’t wane
as she skips down that road
picking memories
like a beautiful rose
she holds in her hands
the important things
that somehow
we forget
but she knows
and her wisdom falls
like sweet silver snow
on the hearts
of all who listen
bringing light
and it just glistens
in your soul
she recalls the years
with pride
and with deep lament
she speaks
of her mom and dad
her sisters
her brothers
with thankfulness
carried by her tears
she speaks of their love
so
much
love
there is a power
in her spirit
that pays no attention
to her age
or the sheer exhaustion
of each day
her diminished frame
is a sanctuary
of strength
and love
i hope i have passed along
the smallest portion
of her love to my family
for even a fragment
of that love
would fill the world
would flood a soul
would help mend the wounds
we all carry
thank you mom
for speaking truth
for remembering to laugh
for lamenting all the sadness
for all your love
so
much
love
i heard some music today
the rhythm section of a little girl
skipping behind her mom
a gentle touch
from a medical sage
as he sang
- you’re going to be okay -
the pale brown dried hydrangeas
shivering or dancing
to the melody
of this damp winter wind
i heard the horn section
of one member
of the bumper to bumper traffic
play a long steady tone
no doubt the driver
was in the fermata lane
and rules are rules
even the gray sky
somehow drew it’s bow
across the horizon
a deep ostinato
boasting of its power
to tame the light
it’s all music to me
a chaos of simplicity
a pale beauty
a human connection
a reason to dance
when there is no reason
to be found
so
i
sang
along
hey december
where did you go
did you take
the mistletoe
and what happened
to the eyes all aglow
light and trees
christmas melodies
how quiet
it all seems
well
christmas is only
356 days away
until then
i’ll choose to stay
in the silence
of winter’s embrace
i’ll welcome the stillness
and ponder the grace
that fills my heart
in the quiet start
of this new year
i choose to hear
the voice
of my Father in heaven
the grace
of His presence
the love
of His Son
hey december
it was fun
but living this life
is a serious thing
so i will sing
of His light in me
and remember
i can take december
and bring good cheer
to family near
and friends so far
dear God
thank you
dear God
thank you
for memories
of christmas melodies
and for right now
this day
this moment
for your presence
thank you
God
snowflakes
like little frozen stars
are dancing around
my backyard
barren branches shiver
beneath winter’s breath
there is a kind of death
that erases memories
of fireflies
and summer rain
but is’t okay
there are frozen stars
dancing around
my backyard
this winter day
cold and wind
sweep the messy fall away
cold stardust blankets the ground
and delicately paints the trees
and help me see
that all this loss
of green and flower
is the rhythm of you and me
for there is power
in resting
waiting
dying
to even beautiful things
that may shackle our souls
and find new life
beneath the barren
new love
beneath the bitterness
new warmth
beneath the cold
let’s dance
like little frozen stars
in my backyard
and remember
that what seems random
when we feel abandoned
when our hearts are unable to fathom
the singing of the birds
we wait
in the in between
and come to the Word
He speaks into our stillness
He speaks into our silence
while little frozen stars
dance in my backyard
here’s to
cloudy christmas days
and windy songs
weaving through
the barren trees
can’t sing along
with the howling melodies
i’d rather stay
and be in this
cloudy christmas day
here’s to
cloudy christmas days
you see there’s loss
and grief
a friend in need
the clouds
are all around him now
nothing makes much sense
anyhow
except this
cloudy christmas day
here’s to
cloudy christmas days
when the dark tree
seems to be
the proper choice
i need to give voice
to loss
to mystery
and the agony
that stings a bit more
you never know
what’s in store
on a cloudy
christmas day
so i’ll just feel
this cloudy christmas day
the tears say
it’s ok
i know Eternal Love
has come
and Peace
and Light
i am trusting
through my tears
in the Way
the Truth
the Life
on this
cloudy christmas day
what if today
you stopped
and decided
to be
and not just
to do
stillness
instead of the illness
of this
or that
can you be with yourself
can you open your heart
to the presence
of He who made all of the stars
and thought of you
before your first cry
before the first time
you opened your eyes
just close your eyes
breathe
He knows your name
breathe
He loves you
just be
take time
to remind
your mind
that you
are
loved
you
are
His
just
be
november rose
i wonder if you know
that there is snow
that the cold and chill
and wind will still
your crimson petals
will fall and tumble
your proud will
will be humbled
i wonder if you know
that the season
will bring death
but in the midst
of dark cold air
and icy nights
there
right there
new life
and so we all must wait
through the winters of our days
we all must breathe the cold air
surrender what we fear
and let the clear icy skies
revive
restore
and make us alive
and help us remember
that there is more
that needs to die
surrender
in order
to be alive
once more
alive
rutakintome pictures 
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