Tag: sadness

something safe

something solid
something sure
at the beginning of the end
and i am feeling insecure
what will it take
for this heart
to settle down
i think
it’s something solid
something sure

something that lasts
something i can count on
i can’t seem to stop surrendering
to the stories i tell myself
no happy endings
why am i spending time
in all the shadows
won’t you tell me please
what will it take
for my mind to be at ease
i think
something that lasts
something i can count on

something quiet
something safe
when it all unravels
when the puzzle pieces
don’t match the picture
on the box
what will it take
for my soul to rest
for my eyes to see
i think it must be
something quiet
something safe
there is an old story
of the Son of Man
that abides
through the centuries
He walked upon
the same ancient soil
that i stumble upon
His words true and sure
pierce my heart
and a small glowing calm
lifts my head

for He was before
and will always be
His love is for all time
and my mind
can’t understand
but i choose to anchor
my thoughts to the peace
of His everlasting wisdom
His never ending love

and into all my searching
in the midst
of all the bingeing and the scrolling
He shouts stillness
into the noise of my life
calming
restoring
reminding
renewing
resurrecting
and singing over me
the pain remains
but i am unharmed
confusion seems to hold sway
but my fear is consoled
by His presence
beside me
above me
beneath me
all around me
there is a storm
but
He
is

you are here

sometimes it doesn't feel like
anything is rising in me
held inside this gravity
on my knees i just can’t see
how
why
or when

life can be an in between
a canyon of waiting in the unseen
is there another side to this pain
another way to restore
loss
laughter
or song

O Light of the world color my soul
shine into these old tears
bring your radiance into my fears
and all this uncertainty
would you carry it for me
i believe you know the why
i trust you will show me how
i let this sunrise fill the eyes of my heart
and i cry for a morning with no more tears
no more pain
until then i wait and sing a sad song
to say thank you
i know
you
are
here

the in between

still on the journey
through achromatic beauty
everything is okay
no
really
it is
well
sort of
i can’t make sense of a anything
everything will be okay
at least i hope it will
but there is the now
the inbetween
the stumbling
not quite sure
which way to turn
i recognize
this strange
space of uncertainty
and stillness
and i cry
fast forwarding
isn’t fun
i cry
feels like
a lonely drowning
i cry
a jumbled pile
of grief and loss
wading through
shattered hope
and i cry
God
help me to accept
the immovable
reality of now
and rest
inhale
exhale
rest
i
cry

all the goodbyes

a fleeting embrace
ending
with one last glance
one last wave
as you step
through security
with no one to help you
with your insecurity
ushered into
a waiting room
after transferring a kiss
from you hand
to her forehead
overwhelming outcomes
swirl in your mind
a quiet prayer
folded hands
shoulders
crushed beneath
sorrow and pain
rest
gently rest
i’ll see you
again
a collection
of expectations
neatly organized
as you donate them
to the upside down reality
that is also your lament

younger days
when smiles
were abundant
surrender to
deep steel eyes
aged by the weight
of all that you must release
all that you thought
was the melody of your journey
memories
that just fade
and others
that won’t go away
songs that remain
falling into the echoes
of time and reminiscence
of sad joy
and mournful gratitude
sunsets loudly
dazzle your soul
swallowed by night
colors overtaken
by unstoppable darkness
still
i welcome
every hello
every greeting
every start
every beginning
every hope
every hug
every grace
every possibility
every giggle
every sunset
every sunrise
while holding
all the goodbyes
and i’m glad
so
immeasurably
glad

i
am
with
you

my Eternal Light

a gentle breeze
kissed the trees
and their leaves
applauded with glee
sunrise beams
painted the fields
the streams
awakening colors
dispelling the shadows
oh Eternal LIght
can you do the same
for me
you see
i’m wrestling now
with shadows deep
sad sad songs
keep echoing
and i weep
for these longings
keep on singing
and i can’t make out
the melody
all seems wrong
where are
the joyful songs
will you
shine on my mind
running all these
scenarios
is a drain
but the pain
remains
will you shine
on my troubled heart
mend all the jagged broken parts
help me to start
anew
i will trust
i will trust
in You
my
Eternal
Light

unfurled alive and free

there is a desperate
feigned beauty
to a closed heart
not present to pain
like a tragic lullaby
an inconsolable melody
celebrating safety
striving to look like peace
reluctant to feel
locked up in dark silence
encased in emptiness

choose to feel
to stay connected
to what’s real
stay in the pain
even in the rain
gifts are to be found
don’t turn around
lament all that is broken
laugh as if it’s all okay
cry because
you know it’s not
take a step of faith
none of us is free
from danger
find a friend
who will walk
beside you
and let you feel

let you be
unfurled
alive
and free

together

i know it’s been
a long
sad sad song 
and it seems like winter
will go on and on
i’ll stay here with you
in the cold
in the dark
until we see
the new
and in this shadow of death
i’ll stay by your side
and if it seems
that spring is all around
but it's not in you
a colorless world endures
i’ll sit with you
cry with you
listen to all your angry words
until the shadows fall
and the flowers return
so if for you this day
brings sorrow upon sorrow
just another monochrome morning
let’s find Him together
and believe together
that on this
steep and narrow road
there is
tomorrow
and when you cry
i won’t ask why
and if you ask me how long
you’ll be in this sad sad song
i could tell you
but i’d probably be wrong
but i promise I’ll stay
and in the dirt
and in the dark
and in the cold
and in this timeless pain
we will find
new life
together

the last ornament

a frosty cold dawn
a gray featureless sky
feels just like me today
there’s a frozen mist
sprinkled on the ground
it’s a monochrome morning
a colorless song
that sounds like me today
so i guess
i’ll take the Christmas tree down

Christmas carols
echo in my living room
the grandkids laughing
wrapping paper tearing
meals we were just sharing
are now memories
and there’s something sad in me
at the end of 2023
so i guess
i’ll take the Christmas tree down
a quiet end of the season
a gentle closing of the year
and for no particular reason
a tear appears
and it’s okay
the past three sixty-five
well…
let’s just say
it can be hard to be alive
there have been days of good cheer
sorrow and struggle too
said a final good-bye to mom
and then there are the fractures
in the family
feeling all the anxiety
and those whispers of failure
just rise
amidst an endless
ostinato of whys
so i guess
i’ll take the Christmas tree down
a plastic stained glass window
with a little boy in prayer
amber crystal beads
a shiny red ball from Macy’s
a tiny wooden christmas tree
a three story ceramic house
a quiet Christmas mouse
glimmering shimmering
sparkling dazzling
all are put to rest
almost done
there’s just one
the last ornament
it’s a smiling angel
holding a star
with colored gems for wings
so there i stand
with this angel
in my hand
i can almost hear it sing
a song of grace
a melody of peace
a smiling angel in my hand
helps me know
i’m in His hand
so i hum a tune
i can’t remember which one
but i remember
the fractures and failures
are held in His hand too
all our fractures
all our failures
so grateful He holds them
grateful He knows them
thanks for listening
i’m done
taking the Christmas tree
down

alone with everyone

words tumble over one another
sleepy smiles
are passed back and forth
wafer topics float in the air
sunny today
i slept well
i didn’t 
afternoon rain
an occasional
imperceptible glance
accompanied by a smile
tossed into the corner
of my countenance
yes… i’m here
but i am in a capsule
floating in the silence of a nebula
made of melancholy stars
or maybe a grand old ship
on a vast glassy silent sea
standing at the beckoning bridge
i step into the swirling
tones and textures of this dolor

alone with everyone
present to the tears
that are trying to take a ride
on the deep exhale
i thought i caught them
in the net of my inhale
i’ll welcome this visitor
can’t pretend no one’s there
would rather explore
this mysterious place 
if i harden myself
against this wave 
i’ll enter a prison
i might not escape

so sailing on this grand old ship
weeping with the stars in space
this visit won’t last too long
like a beautiful sad song
that reminds us
something is terribly wrong
the melody comes to an end

remember all the love

did you ever let your mind
wander back and forth
like standing in line
at six flags
you zig and zag
trying to make your way
to a ride of your memories
and all that's inside
some things you wish
you didn’t find
and the questions rise
why did i
why didn’t i
or
just why

sometimes your breath
is taken away
by the pain of yesterdays
and the sorrows of today
i guess living
is embracing
the cloudless sky
and the rain
that ache within
some things
you don't get to do again
sorry i missed so much
on the first try

and i remember love
surrounding me
i can see the gifts
like a mighty tree
of grace and kindness
covering me
with shades of beauty
shadows of heaven
and this sunrise
helps me lift my eyes
and rest
in grateful songs
i’ll remember all the love
surrounding me