words tumble over one another
sleepy smiles
are passed back and forth
wafer topics float in the air
sunny today
i slept well
i didn’t
afternoon rain
an occasional
imperceptible glance
accompanied by a smile
tossed into the corner
of my countenance
yes… i’m here
but i am in a capsule
floating in the silence of a nebula
made of melancholy stars
or maybe a grand old ship
on a vast glassy silent sea
standing at the beckoning bridge
i step into the swirling
tones and textures of this dolor
alone with everyone
present to the tears
that are trying to take a ride
on the deep exhale
i thought i caught them
in the net of my inhale
i’ll welcome this visitor
can’t pretend no one’s there
would rather explore
this mysterious place
if i harden myself
against this wave
i’ll enter a prison
i might not escape
so sailing on this grand old ship
weeping with the stars in space
this visit won’t last too long
like a beautiful sad song
that reminds us
something is terribly wrong
the melody comes to an end
would like to see a few things stay
the untroubled giggles of a child
a sunset that kaleidoscopes for hours
an embrace that fills my heart with peace
a haunting melody that sinks into my soul
and reminds me that there is love
would like to see a few things stay
the knowing when our eyes connect
the crashing waves and their rhythmic balm
the birdsong soaring through the sad sky
colors leaping from a flower
spilling on my heavy brow
reminding me that there is life
would like to see a few things stay
a tree that shades me from all harm
a crystal river of understanding
shadows stretching through deep green woods
the Light that helps me see the Way
a hand to hold that guides through the pain
reminding me that someone’s there
to share a lonely road
oh stay with me
lover of my soul
let me see
the calm before
i lose myself
nowhere to go
the words of life
spoken long ago
an anchor for
an old old soul
reminding me
that You are here
in the mess
in my tears
reminding me
that
You
are
rest
so in my heart
it’s raining
the stars don’t mind
the sun stays behind
the sad sad showers
just pitter patter
and i just stare
aware of the polyrhythmic percussion
perfectly synchronized
with the confusion
and the emotional concussion
there’s no melody
for this deep blue song
it just reminds me
of all that has gone wrong
we’re still feeling
the falling
living with the distance
the canyon of longing
and sighing
and crying
and dying
looking for morning
for light
for life
and love
for the endless morning
of light
and love
i couldn’t see
how this loss
would create in me
so much gravity
i feel like i can't stand
there are heavy hands
on the shoulders
of my heart
a piece is gone
i’m missing a part
i sit inside my tears
as i play back
the years
the memories
i can find
in my mind
as i watch them
sail away
on a starless sea
she’s just gone
there is no song
to rend sadness
i don’t feel like
i can welcome gladness
the weight
i can’t put it down
or shake it off
deep inside
and all around
the weight
of loss
i couldn’t see
what this
would do
in me
she loved flowers
and it seems
like they loved her too
countless plants
happily shared the rooms
of our home
my mom would call each one
by name
no strange plants in her home
it takes someone special
to see that life thrives
the colorful flowers
the herbs and the spices
the garden outside
was no different
than the garden of our hearts
she tended to each one of us
and we grew in love
and tenderness
because she knew
that all things that are loved
grow and sing and shine
all things loved
grow
and sing
and
shine
i would like to shine bright as a sunny day and shimmer like a jacob collier song but i often find that old pride inside and i stumble and lose my way and it can go so wrong when the shame gets strong and i reach for a new identity no matter how i try i’m never free when i think i don’t need to be me
so i run back home to the lover of my soul it’s an uphill path the lies inside just laugh so i bring to my mind and heart the One who has kept me from the start
oh sing of the treasure of His love for me for you it shimmers and shines
His mercy shimmers and shines the Light of the world lives inside and He always shimmers and shines
In my previous post I indicated that we (my wife and I) were attending a spiritual retreat in the Chelsea neighborhood of New York City. After our last session today we were encouraged to experience delight. We decided to walk to the Chelsea Market, then walked the High Line to the Hudson Yards. These images are just a glimpse into an evening of delighting in New York City!
i am trying to remember
that song
i think it was a duet
before all went wrong
maybe in a minor key
a slow tempo
a slow dance
a sparkling melody
it definitely had harmony
how did that song go
or
more to the counterpoint
where did that song go
i touch a note
play a chord
i rise and fall each day
like a wandering tune
not quite on the beat
trying to see
trying to find
do re mi
trying to find
you and me
the lyrics
started out so sweet
a story of promises
a promise to keep
maybe the strings
had too much tension
maybe the strings
became unwound
wounds have a way
of making their own
sound
telling their own
tale
and they set sail
on an ocean
of i just don’t care
to sing anymore
i put too many quarters
in this silent jukebox
never going back to the shore
three four
four four
six eight
i thought we would
top the charts
with each take
and now the page
is just dots and lines
i’m looking for my entrance
for my cue
i’m looking
i’m looking
for me
and for you
learning a new song
signing a new line
counting us in
not counting us out
like an endless fermata
you waited for me
we had to rest
there is music in that silence
it’s not the best
is yet to come
more like
holding on
holding hands
auditioning again
finding the perfect blend
of our beating broken hearts
let’s start by humming
a sweet
gentle hum
a wordless
song
that tells it all
holds it all
believes it all
and still
loves
the story it tells
uncertainty disorientation a gray shadow blankets the light confusion an opaque spirit descends in my mind and tries to dislodge hope from my soul it nearly succeeds
turn to the left turn to the right turn around move stay still speak remain silent try surrender everything matters and nothing does i can’t focus on the next step what kind of morning is this what kind of dawn haunts me
i think i’ll wait i choose to listen my Maker is near and He whispers through the diffused shadows of my fear He sings through the longing in my tears and in this moment nothing has changed the struggle remains so i yield to this moment and trust in His mysterious love
rutakintome pictures 
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