motorcycle rides, the mighty mississippi, richard, and human connection

This year, April/May rains give way to an “it’s as dry and hot as August” June and early July. The rebellious corn paid no attention to the high temperatures and arid conditions. You could practically hear the fields defiantly celebrating and shouting, “Knee high by the 4th of July! We did it!”

For years now I have been riding my motorcycle through the vast corn and soybean fields in the northern plains of Illinois. When the corn is proud and adorned with tassels, it feels like you’re surfing along ocean waves of green and gold as the wind turns the stalks into an emerald sea with “goldcaps” worthy of carrying, or capsizing, any sea vessel.

One of my favorite rides is heading north on U.S. Route 52. To be more precise, Route 52 follows a northwest, southeast orientation. Taking it northwest, towards the Mississippi River,  I marvel at how the landscape lets go of the plains and clothes itself with gentle, rolling hills that can feature fantastic vistas of endless farm land, farm houses, and corn silos. My destination: Savanna, IL.

On this 4th of July ride it is almost too hot to ride. Bright, blinding sunlight bounces off of everything, giving the world a washed out, desaturated feel. It  feels good to finally make it to the river. Savanna has a simple riverfront, with a boat launch and a path along the banks of the river.

I find a bench and, as I sat, I noticed an older gentleman sitting to my left at a covered picnic table. I kept my foam ear plugs in and enjoy an apple and some cold water. I couldn’t have been on the bench for more than 3 minutes when muffled words breach my consciousness and I turn to see the older looking gentleman walking towards me, greeting me, and taking a seat right next to me. His bright blue eyes match his blue jeans and blue plaid shirt.

“Are you from this area?”

“No. I am about two and a half hours from home. I ride a motorcycle and come here often to enjoy the river.”

And that’s how my connection with Richard began. I say connection instead of conversation, because that’s what happened. We connected. Of course, we had a pleasant conversation, but it was the connection that turned this 4th of July ride into a delightful memory and meeting.

Richard is 82. He tells me he is related to many, if not most, of the people in the county. His family came to the US by boat from Germany. His dad was a farmer. He has two brothers: one is a preacher, the other is a teacher, and Richard was the farmer.

He tells me he comes to the river to talk, because he is alone now.

Of all the scenes of his life that he shared –  I mean, how much can two old guys cover while they talk along the banks of the Mississippi River on a hot 4th of July? – it was his recounting of his marriage to his wife that I found so captivating.

“What is your wife’s name?,” I ask.

“Twila. Not many people named Twila anymore.”

“No… not anymore. Such a pretty name.”

He tells me that Twila passed away 4 years ago and that she battled cancer for most of their life together. His life included countless trips to the emergency room, endless doctor visits and arranging for help to take care of Twila at home. He speaks with no regret, or bitterness in his tone.

He recalls taking riverboat rides with Twila and their friends. I comment on how Twila must have been quite a force to be reckoned with and he tells me the doctors all said the same thing.

I don’t know how long we talked about Twila, grandkids, our own kids, and a number of other topics, but suddenly he looked at his watch and said, “Well. I’m going to go eat some potato salad.”

I gently placed my hand on his shoulder and said, “Can I pray for you Richard?”

I told him earlier that I was a “preacher” like his brother, and that I have been pastoring for the past 20 years in a church in Minooka, IL.

We both bow our heads and I prayed for my new friend Richard.

Here is a bit of what I remember of my prayer: I am thankful for my new friend, Richard… I am grateful for the love and care that he faithfully gave Twila and how his example is helpful for me and a legacy for his family… I pray that he will continue to bear his loneliness with the same grace that he brings to connections along the banks of the river… 

After a pause, I say Amen. We both lifted our heads and opened our eyes at the same time. His tears are flowing and make his blue eyes sparkle even more. We just look at each other in silence for a moment. I gently place my hand on his shoulder and simply say, “Life is hard.”

We both shake our heads in silent agreement. He rises and walks to his vehicle.

I wipe away my tears, filled with gratitude for a chance to connect to such a wonderful man. I make a commitment in my heart to do the best I can to welcome and connect to anyone that God brings my way. Because sometimes I fail to do so. Spectacularly so. That will be the topic of my next post.

island life, mom and dad, and new york

I suppose that I will always be – if not always feel like – a New Yorker. My hometown of East Meadow was right next door to famous Levittown. After WWII, returning vets heard the siren songs of suburban living, and Levittown sang loud and proud.

Not quite sure where East Meadow fits in the swift rise of suburbia, but it mostly likely knew the songs that were in the air.

In 1964, Wilfredo and Carmen purchased a small, two story Cape Cod style home on a corner lot in East Meadow. I’ve always loved the name of our street: Wilson Lane. It has a noble sound befitting my mom and dad. They were poor, could hardly speak English, and were uneducated. Their royalty was in their wisdom, their tenacity and, in full measure, their love.

And you would need love to survive the “dawning of the age of Aquarius” in East Meadow, located in Nassau County, on Long Island, in New York State. Ironically, we were a little island of Puerto Ricans in an ocean of Italian, Irish, and Jewish families. And it was wonderful. I mean, where else could you go to school with Carmine Paradisio – is that a name, or is that a name?! – and then, as a high school student, sing in musicals with members of the local Jewish synagogue. I also grew up with the long, cold shadows of the normalization of hatred and racism.

And about that, I will say this: it wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that it was difficult for my mom and my dad to live in that white suburban community. I’ll spare you the details of some of the stories, suffice it to say that, by some, we were not welcome. So much so that messages in the form of dog excrement being tossed in the yard was just one of the ways the turbulence of the times reached our corner lot. My mom and dad were silent about it, as far as I can recall. To this day, I truly believe they were teaching me important lessons. Don’t be a person who hates, even if you feel you have every reason to hate. Don’t order your life around those who have struggles in their hearts. Be a person of peace on a small little island in East Meadow in an ocean of turmoil. Peace would also need to make room for suffering, loss, and sorrow on that island. As much as we all want to live and experience life, this life can take so much from us that, even if we are still breathing, it feels like there is no reason to.

Rosalito was her name. Their firstborn. She lived for a few days. My mom mourned her until her last day. This event was the seed of much of my formation, but that’s a story that continues to unfold.

Which, of course, brings us to the present. My mom passed away in 2023 at the age of 97. She passed in the safety of her corner house… her little island in an ocean of love: my dad.

He still lives in that house and, even though my story is being told on the backlot of the Midwest, far from the Atlantic shore I love – more on that later – I have been returning home to be with my family almost every year for…well… 39+ years. And, following the well worn path of my childhood, those visits often included an eastbound trip on the Southern State Parkway to visit Rosalito.

I find that some childhood memories can show up for a visit in vivid, 3-D, surround sound. I find myself taking in the mysteriously beautiful sound of crunching autumn leaves as we brush them from around her tombstone. I can still feel my body sigh in relief as the cold water from a nearby hose washed away the unbearable heat and humidity of a Long Island summer. I can still smell the fresh, winter air as I huddled in my coat while my mom and dad whispered prayers and shed their tears. Home, family, and our little island in East Meadow will, for me, always be associated with death. And that is not a bad thing. It just is.

On this particular visit, a rainy, cold, late May welcomed me back home. Thankfully, a summer like early June won a toss of weather fronts with May. I set aside more than two weeks to be with my dad. We spent a day heading out to the southern tip of Long Island to greet the lighthouse at Montauk Point. A 3 ½ order lens (it sounds like I know what I’m talking about, but I don’t) built in 1902 was recently restored to the tippy top of that lighthouse. In a culture that places unnecessary value on new and improved, it’s comforting to realize that old and traditional can still guide and lead sojourners to light and safety.
Of course, we visited Rosalito and Carmen. My mom was finally resting with my sister. We cleared out weeds, took out the artificial flowers that signaled care and love all through winter, and planted fresh, impossibly red flowers. If my mom could speak, she would tell me what the flowers were.

Though uneducated, she was a brilliant “botanist” who could revive any withered leaf, twig or petal and, as if she named each and every one herself, would tell you the name of just about any flower. God created a unique kind of nurturing spirit within her and I think losing her first child only deepened her longing to give and sustain life. Our house was a greenhouse. Green, colorful life was everywhere. And now, my dad made sure that color and life adorned the resting place of his little girl and his bride of over 60 years.

Any pilgrimage back east must include multiple mini-pilgrimages to the southern shores of Long Island. Specifically, Jones Beach.

Like the faithful ostinato from Bach’s Passacaglia and Fugue in C minor, this State Park has always been a part of me. Whether it’s a frigid, windswept winter seascape, or the end of a summer day showing off with a dazzling display of clouds and shafts of light shooting into space, or the slow motion blending and mixing of sunrise colors that Crayola never dreamed existed, this shore has been a place for reflection, prayer, worship and peace. And, every now and then, I hear and see the rocks cry out and tell of a Savior alive in this world.

I enjoyed a mid-morning stroll with my dad along the 2-mile long boardwalk. I marvel at his endurance and determination as he struggles to maintain balance and manage pain while he walks on his two artificial knees.

During a quiet, pre-dawn stroll on the shore, as the sun began to work on its morning art project, I am trying to figure out a way to take the colors right out of the sky and put them in my backpack.

I am grateful for my family…

for loss and sorrow…

for the Man of Sorrows…

for morning colors, accompanied by salty air…

for lilting, calming ocean waves…

this tattered old town

in and around
this tattered old town
nestled in the state
of my mind
taking a stroll
on the pathways
through my soul
standing on the corner
i see memories
of younger days
melodies of different ways
on a street named regret
at the corner of joy
looking for an answer or two
reaching for something true
since i was a boy
acceptance
forgiveness
and gratitude
my heart yearns
for something more
than the sum total
of my days
so i set my gaze
on things above
the unseen real
unfailing love
and i wait
and choose to be still
as the sun
settles down
on this old tattered town
i welcome
the end of this day
knowing it is the only way
to a new dawn
another pathway
hidden in the Light
safe in Him
i rise
i am safe in Him
i’ll rise

jewels in my soul

and there were threads in the garden
and there were stars in the leaves
and there jewels on the flowers
and there were diamonds in the webs
and there were threads in my mind
tethered to sorrow
beauty
lament
wonder
love
and there were stars in my heart
sparkling memories
regrets
dreams
loss
hope
and there were jewels in my soul
brilliantly reflecting
the promises
of my heavenly Papa
the redemption
of the Lamb
the deliverance
from the shadows
of my brokenness
and there were diamonds
all around
family
friends
love
companionship
a smile
an encouraging word
gratitude
melodies
light
beauty
song

this thing called life

taking time to just be
on this gentle
quiet morning
by the sea
soothing waves
share their melodies
as soft hues
of morning light
fall upon the endless sand
and fill my eyes
with stilled wonder
i try to look down
into the deep
of my own heart
and feel the sad songs
find the gifts of grace
stay in anger’s embrace
pray for resurrection
to race
through the turmoil
and the pain
lift me higher again
so i can return
to You
and in so doing
return to me
slowly the
luminance of the colors
rise across the sky
as the colors of love
wash over me
eternity is in my heart
thankful for
each crazy part
of this thing
called life

this thing
called life

let it all in let it all go

and i find that i’m choosing to let it all in
i stand in the light while i’m feeling the pain
that keeps falling like rain on my story again
and the clouds crowd my soul so i let it all go
carried on whispered prayers with hands pleading
lifted in unspoken longings eyes searching
for some kind of answer in this darkened light
embracing the rain and the clouds and all the unseen
running into the light as it reaches all that’s been
perhaps a lament or two will see me through
the paradox of this impermanent journey
a time for everything and everything in time
i’ll welcome the longing with singing
celebrate the love with understanding
that all is fading into unending yesterdays
and the clouds crowd my soul so i let it all go
and i’ll walk towards the light
keep my eyes on things above
and choose to love here below
and let it all go through trembling whispers of faith
until i find my way home with some amazing grace

find some slow

remembering
letting go
surrendering
finding slow
winter’s cold
a memory
blooming color
here comes summer
seasons
in my heart
some things
i can start
again
and some
well
they just are
moments
in the sun
will soon
run away
colors will fall
winter will howl
lonely branches
will soon help me see
so i explore
the seasons
in my life
some things
must die
some things
bring so many whys
but with each
blossom
all this beauty
wrapped up tightly
waiting to spring
i surrender
let go
and find
some slow
and
sing

are we free

opened your eyes
got out of bed
but are you awakened
exercised
a protein drink
from the blender
but did you remember
to feed your soul
to workout
the stuff in your heart
that you took to bed last night

the morning routine
out the door
traffic and weather report
looks grim
you steel your mind
and shut the door
telling yourself
that you are fine
another sip of coffee
but did you remember
to feel something
that you know is there
to understand yourself
just a little bit more
being and doing
doing and being
more
you and i know
there is more
than the deadline
more than all this activity
did we lose ourselves
more likely
we numb ourselves
away from pain
and disorientation
keep the radio on
get busy and fill the schedule
it’s helps to drown out the noise
of all that’s in my head
maybe i should have stayed in bed

put the keys on the counter
there’s nothing in the fridge
it was a good day at the office
on the worksite
on my shift
i think i impressed… someone…
anyway
i suppose it was
just another day
there’s something still inside…
wait…

why am i crying...
i must be tired
or a bit confused
maybe a drink
will clear out my head
hulu and netflix
aren’t helping tonight
how long have i been staring
at this parade of options

was i crying tonight

maybe it was the traffic
it was a long day
i think i’ll go to bed
and try again tomorrow
to shake this restless sorrow
being doing
doing being
am i living
am i awakened
am i free

are we free

together

i know it’s been
a long
sad sad song
and it seems like winter
will go on and on
i’ll stay here with you
in the cold
in the dark
until we see
the new
and in this shadow of death
i’ll stay by your side
and if it seems
that spring is all around
but it's not in you
a colorless world endures
i’ll sit with you
cry with you
listen to all your angry words
until the shadows fall
and the flowers return
so if for you this day
brings sorrow upon sorrow
just another monochrome morning
let’s find Him together
and believe together
that on this
steep and narrow road
there is
tomorrow
and when you cry
i won’t ask why
and if you ask me how long
you’ll be in this sad sad song
i could tell you
but i’d probably be wrong
but i promise I’ll stay
and in the dirt
and in the dark
and in the cold
and in this timeless pain
we will find
new life
together

you are with me

opened my eyes
some time at the gym
took a look inside
silence and stillness with Him
and the eastern sky
beckoned with colors
and i don’t know why
at times i want to hide
and don’t want to discover
i’d rather not uncover
the true that’s in me
i need to confess
these silhouettes
that i present as real
why do i fight
why can it be so hard
to walk towards the Light
and be healed
and stand in His grace
i know shame goes away
don't have to hide my face
in the welcome of His mercy
shine
oh please shine in me
i do what’s old in me
and don’t do
from what i claim is new
so please shine
and let this new day
remind my heart
my soul
my mind
that you are with me
you are beneath me
before and behind me
you are all around me
i’ll take another step
toward the light
not by sight
by faith
i’ll wait
because
you
are
with
me