i’m trying to let go sometimes surrendering doesn’t fit all the shoulds i’m chasing
you see i have this life equation that should equal the sum total of all my expectations of how it all should unfold and then i see it unravel everywhere and nowhere i want to be
i’m trying to let go after all we will all one day let go of everything so why do i try to hang on to so much
like my pride why didn’t you take my side i can only see the me side of you
like still holding onto my right and i’m right and you’re not i can’t see how dark and confusing i make it for you
like when i hold onto my disengaged attitude pushing you away silencing your voice you’re not real you don’t really know what you feel so let me tell you
like when i hold onto my fear i don’t think you’ll stay here if you see the real in me
God help me to let go and to know that even when i fall that i am descending into freedom decreasing into the fullness of who you made me to be
and there were threads in the garden and there were stars in the leaves and there jewels on the flowers and there were diamonds in the webs
and there were threads in my mind tethered to sorrow beauty lament wonder love
and there were stars in my heart sparkling memories regrets dreams loss hope
and there were jewels in my soul brilliantly reflecting the promises of my heavenly Papa the redemption of the Lamb the deliverance from the shadows of my brokenness
and there were diamonds all around family friends love companionship a smile an encouraging word gratitude melodies light beauty song
take a breath and close your eyes i’m praying that you’ll realize that it’s enough to just be you it will take time but i know you will shine so ease your mind and take my hand i will help you stand and stay with you i will listen to every word you say i promise it will be okay sometimes everything is gray so that we can grow into what we were made to be and i know you will shine it will take time but you will realize that it’s enough to just be you
standing still contemplating all the strategic decisions that brought me here ready to take a new step on the journey navigating this ocean of feelings the sadness just beneath the surface of it all how do we traverse the relational mines of this broken world no more pretending more unmasking what lies beneath the smiles and the tears so tired of defending time to stop protecting and submit to truth to words that may hurt but will heal the path to connection spend more time in reflection admitting all that’s wrong in me it’s so easy to live suppressing love and heartache stepping into releasing it all to Him embracing the journey inward not hiding what others see accepting all that is turning away from denying all that is the fog of reality is clearer that the seemingly serene shimmer of self-deception the crying is from the lying vulnerability is moving towards being free intimacy or distancing the choice is up to me to live in authenticity and humility is to break through the veneer of safety and i’m certain that certainty is not so certain after all faith requires the tension of a solid hope amidst the crazy of the now hate and willful ignorance are easy it’s love that is hard
there is a desperate feigned beauty to a closed heart not present to pain like a tragic lullaby an inconsolable melody celebrating safety striving to look like peace reluctant to feel locked up in dark silence encased in emptiness
choose to feel to stay connected to what’s real stay in the pain even in the rain gifts are to be found don’t turn around lament all that is broken laugh as if it’s all okay cry because you know it’s not take a step of faith none of us is free from danger find a friend who will walk beside you and let you feel
taking time to just be on this gentle quiet morning by the sea
soothing waves share their melodies as soft hues of morning light fall upon the endless sand and fill my eyes with stilled wonder
i try to look down into the deep of my own heart and feel the sad songs find the gifts of grace stay in anger’s embrace pray for resurrection to race through the turmoil and the pain lift me higher again so i can return to You and in so doing return to me
slowly the luminance of the colors rise across the sky as the colors of love wash over me eternity is in my heart thankful for each crazy part of this thing called life
and i find that i’m choosing to let it all in i stand in the light while i’m feeling the pain that keeps falling like rain on my story again and the clouds crowd my soul so i let it all go carried on whispered prayers with hands pleading lifted in unspoken longings eyes searching for some kind of answer in this darkened light embracing the rain and the clouds and all the unseen running into the light as it reaches all that’s been perhaps a lament or two will see me through the paradox of this impermanent journey a time for everything and everything in time i’ll welcome the longing with singing celebrate the love with understanding that all is fading into unending yesterdays and the clouds crowd my soul so i let it all go and i’ll walk towards the light keep my eyes on things above and choose to love here below and let it all go through trembling whispers of faith until i find my way home with some amazing grace
new life still all this strife new opportunity same entropy new start still in bed new attitude still no gratitude new insights still trying to fight new word still not listening new day same old ways new light still seeking shadows new colors same monochromatic soul new gifts same folded arms
for you
on this day
right now
new grace
boundless love
endless mercy
a Cross to bear
with an everlasting Companion
unmerited forgiveness
an endless sunrise
can be yours
receive
be centered
through surrender
be free
through confession
be at rest
through acceptance
come home
it is finished lay down your shame take up your hope lift up your head receive your identity and rise
the tension between making earthbound choices and setting my heart on things above
the tension between reputation protection and other-centered living
the tension between my anger and grace
the tension between forgiveness and revenge
the tension between my faith and loss and pain and my restless soul
the tension between being an image bearer and my shame
the tension between my title and my actions
the tension between crossing the bridge and playing it safe
the tension between myself and myself
the tension between the darkness and the light inside this heart of mine i fall i soar take flight only to stumble and cry for healing and why is it feeling like nothing makes sense at least sometimes nothing makes sense for there is a time for everything under this radiant sun time to take a step of faith He is not done i’m not at home so sometimes it doesn’t make sense
sing a canticle with me a little music a melody to try and defy all this gravity that will soon silence the tune of my life and i’ll be done with all this strife
when you press a key a silent symphony will rise and the veil will be removed from my eyes
oh to be free and be at rest one day when this instrument has seen it’s years all will be new no more tears its true
so sing out loud i was lost now i’m found and peace will be my everyday i’ll let go of all that i can see i will be free dismantled and transformed
in the endless Light i’ll join the endless song and all my days will be a canticle of praise will you come with me what do you see in the eternity He has placed inside let go of pride and sing a canticle with me a little music a melody let’s defy all this gravity
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