Tag: tears

table thoughts

This blog has been quiet lately because we sold our home and moved to a new home! The new house is about 8 miles from our old house. We have been talking about downsizing for a few years now and… here we are! Packing up 20 years of living is crazy! We are grateful. Recently someone asked if I miss our old house. My reply, “Not at all.” However, I didn’t expect it to be so hard to say goodbye to our dining table. I helped the family who purchased our table and hutch by dismantling as much of the table as I could. When they took the table top out, the tears suddenly came.

a sturdy table
how many times
did we say grace
a setting
a space
for us just to be… us

conversations
confessions
interactions
admissions
revelations
contrition
a table is set
and becomes the place
where all the weight
of grave and gold
stories are told
and the broken bread
leaves a trail
leading to baby cries
spaghetti on the floor
broken family ties
a spilled drink
someone’s at the door
embraces of grace
birthday candles
graduation cake
love is a messy thing
it’s a long dangerous journey
of faith
hope
and love

homework and coffee
thanksgiving turkey
deep, endless laughter
tears
and the dread of uncertainty
are served alongside
a heap of understanding
conflict and honesty

i was surprised
when the tears
appeared as the table
was hauled away
i wondered
would they take away
the echoes of our conversations
the forgiveness that we found
the acceptance that we gave
the hurt that was served
the pain that was assuaged

it’s  called downsizing
but my tears
are singing
a different tune
my soul is filled
my hearts breaks
somewhere along
the fault line
of gratitude and lament
time to reset
the table of my heart
a place of welcome
peace
family
love

the Light

the Light chases us
even through
a dense darkness
a disorienting mist
that surrounds our efforts
to run towards anything
that helps us
to feel
loved
to feel
free

the Light waits for us
as we meander and stumble
through grief and sorrow
like a thick forest of tears
you cut your way through
angry branches
and leaves of sadness
but the forest
closes in
and muffles your weeping

the Light sees us
even when we can’t breath
and anxiety transforms the world
into a tiny box
from which
we cannot escape
and what we want
more than anything
is to be able
to stretch out our hand
so someone
can take hold
and guide us home

above
beneath
behind
in front of every cry
the Light

above
beneath
behind
in front of all your sorrow
the Light

above
beneath
behind
in front of all your fear
the Light

above
beneath
behind
in front of you
the Light
a hand extended
to guide you home
a warm embrace
to welcome you home

connection

standing still
contemplating all
the strategic decisions
that brought me here
ready to take a new step
on the journey
navigating
this ocean of feelings
the sadness
just beneath
the surface of it all
how do we traverse
the relational mines
of this broken world
no more pretending
more unmasking
what lies beneath
the smiles
and the tears
so tired of defending
time to stop protecting
and submit to truth
to words that may hurt
but will heal
the path to connection
spend more time in reflection
admitting all that’s wrong
in me
it’s so easy to live
suppressing
love and heartache
stepping into releasing
it all to Him
embracing the journey inward
not hiding what others see
accepting all that is
turning away
from denying all that is
the fog of reality
is clearer
that the seemingly
serene shimmer of self-deception
the crying
is from the lying
vulnerability is moving
towards being free
intimacy or distancing
the choice is up to me
to live in authenticity
and humility
is to break through
the veneer of safety
and i’m certain
that certainty
is not so certain after all
faith requires
the tension
of a solid hope
amidst the crazy
of the now
hate and
willful ignorance
are easy
it’s love
that is
hard

Kyrie eleison
Christe eleison

the in between

still on the journey
through achromatic beauty
everything is okay
no
really
it is
well
sort of
i can’t make sense of a anything
everything will be okay
at least i hope it will
but there is the now
the inbetween
the stumbling
not quite sure
which way to turn
i recognize
this strange
space of uncertainty
and stillness
and i cry
fast forwarding
isn’t fun
i cry
feels like
a lonely drowning
i cry
a jumbled pile
of grief and loss
wading through
shattered hope
and i cry
God
help me to accept
the immovable
reality of now
and rest
inhale
exhale
rest
i
cry

endless sunrise

introspection
time
space
grieving
open
illumination
notice
grace
tears
observing
belief
eternity
aware
light
love
reflection
insight
gravity
healing
time

its
going
to
be
all
right

in
His
light
and
love
all
wrongs
made
right
mercy
justice
alight
the
soul
as
we
sing
songs
through
an
endless
sunrise

settle

i want to settle
like the setting sun
all the crazy
as i run
through the tears
and disorientation
from the madness
of meditation
on the losses
and the misses
the noises of confusion
settle like the setting sun
into color
and calm
the balm of a song
that reminds me
that though there is wrong
in me and in you
that redemption is true
that beauty resides
in the heart
of life in Christ
for He suffered
He cried
He was angry
and He died
He lamented
and prayed
take this cup away
so sadness
and heartache
anxiety
is a thing
we can bring
to His Cross
to His care
to His suffering
settle
oh my soul
settle
in the stillness
of the Light
of His love
the color
of His grace
the glory
of His kindness
the promise
of a better place
where tears
will never fall again
light will never set
and never end
settle
oh my soul
settle
feel it all
and settle
your Savior knows
He sees
He feels
so don’t push
the mess of life away
let it remind you
a better day
awaits
walk by faith
not by sight
it’s going to be
all right
settle
oh
my
soul

latte la dee da day

it’s time start
another latte
la dee da day
man the traffic
is insane today
well
like every other day
routine kicks in
meetings
where no one
really meets
a zoom here
a zoom there
a formica connection
can look so nice
a cladding smile
hope they don’t see
my empty eyes
what does it say
when the best part
of this day
is traffic
on the way
home to my
netflix series
or was it hulu
what’s a lonely soul
to do
there’s a war somewhere
everybody’s yelling
but no one’s really saying
anything
that sounds like truth
or has some roots
that sink deep in my heart
so i lift up my eyes
and through the tears
i cry why
why did i say it that way
why did they make fun of me
why does the sadness stay
why God
do you sometimes
feel so far away
you see i’m in the boat
the horizon is gone
and the storms
rage within
and all around
so wake up Lord
wake up
i don’t know
what to do
but i know
you
are
here
in my messy today
in my messy yesterday
oh won’t you
wake up
my soul
because
i see the Tree
You there for me
i’ll linger here
and sing a song
to You
the melody
may be sad
but for now
it’s all i have
so it’s Yours
and
i
am
too

o sunset sky

o sunset sky
i wonder if you cry
as you say goodbye
to all this day
has left behind
o sunset sky
would you stay with me
and cry
my sunset sky
o sunset sky
what do you see
as darkness falls
around me
this pain and loss
and mystery
i cannot see
what lies before me
o sunset sky
won’t you cry for me
o sunset sky
i know you try
to make smile
all that fire in the sky
it leaps so high
and fills my world
with colors
and beauty
and wonder
and that ache
in my heart
just starts
again
so goodbye
my sunset sky
goodbye

cloudrise

no sun today
and that's ok
i won't tell the clouds
to go away
they can stay
it's a cloudrise day
dear cloudrise
help me feel
the sad in me
and to be real
and just be free
to be
sad
pensive
gray
apprehensive
stay here with me
there is beauty
in the shadow
longing in the sky
questions in my soul
sometimes all i know
is i don't know why
it's overcast
and colorless
and with a sigh
the teacher said
everything is meaningless
so i just breathe
just
breathe
so help me wait
in this pale dawn
help me to see
that i belong
to You
though the light is dim
i still see Him
and i will remain
still
quiet
hopeful
one day
no tears
one day
no fear
one day
all will be right
all will be Light
until then
my tears
will help me welcome
this cloudrise

let peace fall

i saw and heard the dawn
sing color songs
that danced in my mind
though my eyes saw the beauty
solace i could not find

i wondered what song
was sung by the sky
to other sets of eyes
that wept for peace
shut tight in disbelief

in a land covered
with grievous dawns
unbearable loss
hovers over the streets
like so many tear drops
ever falling
that never drain
the ocean of sorrow
and pain

i pray for new dawns
singing color songs
children dancing
sing along
for joy and light
to fill each soul
and peace
to fall
in stillness
let peace fall
in stillness