if the light can reach my soul then why can’t i find my way if the words can pierce my mind then why are there none to say if the room is filled with friends then why am i so alone if i just can’t see the end then where am i to go
if i can sing a melody of fire then why is it cold at night if i can walk along a distant shore then why am i sad and my eyes so dry if i can run into your arms then why is the path so long if i can wander in a field of memories then why do i awake forlorn
fly oh my soul fly the Light has come down for you guiding your searching soul His promises faithful and and true for they will mend and make you whole and remember the never-forsaking God is beside you let His embrace define you
fly oh my soul fly His fire will scatter the night stay on the sorrowful shore and raise your tears to the sky as you open your heart and let go of the why yes it’s narrow and steep so stay on your knees and fly oh my soul fly
I know! I married and movie star! (And now, this starlet is not too happy with the way I started this tribute!)
Because my bride, my love, is only a movie star if you measure stardom by the capacity to live your life for others, by the authenticity and safety you give others because you are integrated and at peace with yourself, and by fulfilling your role as mom and Nana with embodied grace and love.
Perfection is not for those who wish to be impactful mothers. It is a messy, imperfect, daunting, perilous journey, filled with detours, fireworks worthy joys and celebrations, hurts, and the work and often difficult commitment to love… selflessly… with abandon… I am so grateful for the grace and love that I see in our kids that came from their mom.
Nana: Thoughtful. Present. Patient. Giving. Ruth makes everyone feel special, seen, welcome, safe… and that’s her with any other adult that is a part of her world.
But for her grand kids… well… turn up the volume and crank the bass all the way up! She is all in. She has a way of making small things special. A ride to school turns into a conversation where she expresses care, love and affirmation. A visit to her office turns into an opportunity for a grand child to partner with Nana and all the important work she does.
There are too many examples to name, but Nana consistently speaks life over these kids. She connects with them in deep levels that are understood between her and each child.
She is a shining star in the hearts of all who know her… especially her beloved grandchildren. I am grateful.
What follows are small scenes that have surfaced in my heart as I reflect on my mom. She passed away in 2023.
I can remember, as a child, laying on my mother’s lap as she gently consoled me through the pain of another ear infection. I can only imagine, in a moment like that, the pain that my mom might have been feeling. She lost her first child.
For my mom, it seemed as if every cough sneeze, or stomach ache was an emergency room triage worthy event. And who could blame her. An abiding, dark sorrow walked beside her until she passed. I believe her great love came from her immeasurable capacity to give of herself and serve, and her fear of loss. I am grateful that she is at rest, and has been reunited with her first child.
This may sound odd, but my mom carried herself the way I would imagine a person of true royalty would. Not in a high and mighty way, or in any way that would set her apart from others – she was the most grounded person I may ever know. She was soft spoken, easily discerned people, and gave respect and attention to any one, while quietly expecting the same. She was barely 5 feet tall, but she was regal and statuesque of heart, mind, and soul.
I cannot remember my mom without remembering my dad. In her nineties, I had the privilege of watching my dad wash my mom’s feet. Every morning he carefully washed them, then he applied lotion and an analgesic with a precision and caution that any surgeon would envy. Sacred moments.
While my mom’s melancholy and depression was always near, she had a capacity for celebration and joy that, for as long as it lasted, kicked sadness and affliction down the street. Her laughter was a sunrise… a million stars in a heartbroken sky.
Wisdom + Insight + Discernment + Knowledge + Experience + Lots of moxie + Love = mom.
I suppose that if any one of us carried the weight of this life for as long as my mom did, we would be willing and eager to be free, to leave this world, to bid farewell to the ephemeral joys and pleasures that may come, and to awaken in an eternity of unwavering, holy promises from our Lord. My mother has no need for a lamp or light, and she, who wept so, has no more tears. All of her burdens have now been lifted. I miss her smile. Her love. Her wisdom. Her sageness and savvy. I am so grateful for my mom.
i’m on a road i think i’m in control i think i know where i need to go i think i can see i think i can find my way back home i think there’s nothing behind me so why am i surprised at the tears in my eyes trying to be free while looking for a sign to ease my mind as i struggle to leave behind all the troubled times i carry in my soul things said and done they take a toll make me want to run but i choose to stay and follow the Way i sing of amazing grace i sing through my tears of a perfect love that drives away fear as the rain plays a melody reminding me that i am not in control but i’m safe in the shadow of the wings of His love as i travel on my way home
where is heart of the church the part that heals and feels pain and seeks to secure the good of the poor the stranger the unnoticed we pursue innovation but we need renovation of the inside of our soul the content of our heart so we can be a part of redeeming all that fell and all the hell in and around us as well
it is time to rebuild to be still to make a decision of the will to put on the Lord Jesus clothed in grace we move into the world that God so loved that he gave and embrace the stranger welcome the foreigner we face our flaws surrender our rights and set our sights on washing feet extending a hand we stand as ambassadors of the Way and we stay we forgive today we live not for ourselves but for those in need for those who cry and die alone for those who cry without a home
what has gone wrong that we have become a resounding gong we sing all those sunday songs and harbor hate hold a grudge belittle our spouse to name just a few and hide in the house of our pride we mock and scorn an opposing view and then we lock our soul in the rigid soil of i must win and we stew in the cauldron of our sin
Holy Spirit enter into the dark hidden sins for we are clanging cymbals who serve and sing and teach we study read and systematically arrange our grand theology and solve the mysteries give knowledge increase but we are just running from what is the greatest of these we are nothing without love
renovate our mind restore our heart we have made such a mess let us be people of kindness taking our place in rhythms of grace walking talking and loving as if we really believe that he has Risen
i wonder what she’s praying for she’s pleading for she’s kneeling for i wonder what this child of God is asking of her Lord
perhaps for peace inside her soul and in this world and in this world perhaps for peace inside your soul won’t you plead with her now
perhaps for love inside her soul and in your heart and in your heart perhaps for love inside her soul won’t you plead with her now
i wonder what she’s praying for she’s pleading for she’s kneeling for i wonder what this child of God is asking of her Lord
perhaps for rest from all her pain from all her pain from all her pain perhaps for rest for you and me from all the pain we feel
perhaps for pardon from her sins from her sins from her sins perhaps for pardon for your sins won’t you implore with her now
i wonder what she’s praying for she’s pleading for she’s kneeling for i wonder what this child of God is asking of her Lord
i wonder if we all could kneel we all could kneel we all could kneel i wonder if we all could kneel and join her right now cry out with her now be humble with her now be a child of God right now
when was the last time you walked across the noise in your life and journeyed into the depth of you
when was the last time you just were still and present to your soul your longing your sorrow your joy your hope your anxiety your darkness
when was the last time you closed your eyes and settled into your spirit named the pain let the tears carry away the sorrow
when was the last time you heard your voice when it tore down another soul did it leave you broken did it stab your heart
when was the last time you surrendered you admitted your limits faced your shadows let pride fall away in humility
when was the last time you said thank you i love you i was wrong please forgive me i need help
when was the last time you leaned into your ordinariness you opened your heart to your strengths and weaknesses you listened to feedback you didn’t defend yourself
when was the last time you were you not as you think you are but listened to others and how they experience you
you are an ocean a vast sea of dreams of loss laughter weeping of love fear perseverance sin of cowardice strength power kindness of impotence clarity valor uncertainty and so much more
you are human created by God loved by God seek Him rest in Him receive His love live in His grace receive His forgiveness be alive in Him He knows full well you are human
say good-bye to the veneer covering your soul to shallow shadow living say hello to all you are those parts of you kept tidy and tucked away integrate your shiny self with your darkness too
say good-bye to not knowing you to not reflecting to not pondering how those you love experience you say hello to living inside out be present to yourself listen listen listen as others share what they see who they see what they feel
say good-bye to running here and there to getting it all done to being okay with the frazzle breaking your mind feeding your anxiety say hello to stillness to stopping ceasing waiting to closing your eyes just breathing
say good-bye to pretending you’re doing fine the pain in your body is telling a different story all that scrolling diminishes you watching another series living other’s lives just won’t do say hello to being real to crying to sobbing to lamenting the hard stories that live in you must be told
say good-bye to your own strength intellect will gifts determination you’re such a success but kind of a mess say hello to faith to trust you did not make yourself He created you every moment is written His thoughts about you are precious
you think the truth you spittin is hittin and all the while it’s missin the heart why don’t you start with the 2 x 4 stickin out your face you call it grace you say you love but it feels like a shove of theological grooves that in your mouth is just fake news we all got the blues we all need the truth take a look in the mirror are you clearer to you maybe you should go feel and find what you left behind there’s nothin new under that big bright star who do you think you are who do you think you are
start something new in me set me free to be restin instead of testin everybody’s this and that where am i at what am i going to be show me me show me me
you say you prayin but you just slayin throwin hollow verses that feel like curses and what’s worse is that when you done you done silence no presence silence no assistance silence no shoulder to cry on active love to rely on your logic doesn’t do a thing get in the ring and fight for the unseen the unnoticed are real whatever they see this world to be connection is what they need don’t log off when you have your say and just walk away why don’t you show up level up your argument is sound but your heart can’t be found you stand your ground as you ground others down
start something new in me set me free to be restin instead of testin everybody’s this and that where am i at what am i going to be show me me show me me
rutakintome pictures 
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