motorcycle rides, the mighty mississippi, richard, and human connection

This year, April/May rains give way to an “it’s as dry and hot as August” June and early July. The rebellious corn paid no attention to the high temperatures and arid conditions. You could practically hear the fields defiantly celebrating and shouting, “Knee high by the 4th of July! We did it!”

For years now I have been riding my motorcycle through the vast corn and soybean fields in the northern plains of Illinois. When the corn is proud and adorned with tassels, it feels like you’re surfing along ocean waves of green and gold as the wind turns the stalks into an emerald sea with “goldcaps” worthy of carrying, or capsizing, any sea vessel.

One of my favorite rides is heading north on U.S. Route 52. To be more precise, Route 52 follows a northwest, southeast orientation. Taking it northwest, towards the Mississippi River,  I marvel at how the landscape lets go of the plains and clothes itself with gentle, rolling hills that can feature fantastic vistas of endless farm land, farm houses, and corn silos. My destination: Savanna, IL.

On this 4th of July ride it is almost too hot to ride. Bright, blinding sunlight bounces off of everything, giving the world a washed out, desaturated feel. It  feels good to finally make it to the river. Savanna has a simple riverfront, with a boat launch and a path along the banks of the river.

I find a bench and, as I sat, I noticed an older gentleman sitting to my left at a covered picnic table. I kept my foam ear plugs in and enjoy an apple and some cold water. I couldn’t have been on the bench for more than 3 minutes when muffled words breach my consciousness and I turn to see the older looking gentleman walking towards me, greeting me, and taking a seat right next to me. His bright blue eyes match his blue jeans and blue plaid shirt.

“Are you from this area?”

“No. I am about two and a half hours from home. I ride a motorcycle and come here often to enjoy the river.”

And that’s how my connection with Richard began. I say connection instead of conversation, because that’s what happened. We connected. Of course, we had a pleasant conversation, but it was the connection that turned this 4th of July ride into a delightful memory and meeting.

Richard is 82. He tells me he is related to many, if not most, of the people in the county. His family came to the US by boat from Germany. His dad was a farmer. He has two brothers: one is a preacher, the other is a teacher, and Richard was the farmer.

He tells me he comes to the river to talk, because he is alone now.

Of all the scenes of his life that he shared –  I mean, how much can two old guys cover while they talk along the banks of the Mississippi River on a hot 4th of July? – it was his recounting of his marriage to his wife that I found so captivating.

“What is your wife’s name?,” I ask.

“Twila. Not many people named Twila anymore.”

“No… not anymore. Such a pretty name.”

He tells me that Twila passed away 4 years ago and that she battled cancer for most of their life together. His life included countless trips to the emergency room, endless doctor visits and arranging for help to take care of Twila at home. He speaks with no regret, or bitterness in his tone.

He recalls taking riverboat rides with Twila and their friends. I comment on how Twila must have been quite a force to be reckoned with and he tells me the doctors all said the same thing.

I don’t know how long we talked about Twila, grandkids, our own kids, and a number of other topics, but suddenly he looked at his watch and said, “Well. I’m going to go eat some potato salad.”

I gently placed my hand on his shoulder and said, “Can I pray for you Richard?”

I told him earlier that I was a “preacher” like his brother, and that I have been pastoring for the past 20 years in a church in Minooka, IL.

We both bow our heads and I prayed for my new friend Richard.

Here is a bit of what I remember of my prayer: I am thankful for my new friend, Richard… I am grateful for the love and care that he faithfully gave Twila and how his example is helpful for me and a legacy for his family… I pray that he will continue to bear his loneliness with the same grace that he brings to connections along the banks of the river… 

After a pause, I say Amen. We both lifted our heads and opened our eyes at the same time. His tears are flowing and make his blue eyes sparkle even more. We just look at each other in silence for a moment. I gently place my hand on his shoulder and simply say, “Life is hard.”

We both shake our heads in silent agreement. He rises and walks to his vehicle.

I wipe away my tears, filled with gratitude for a chance to connect to such a wonderful man. I make a commitment in my heart to do the best I can to welcome and connect to anyone that God brings my way. Because sometimes I fail to do so. Spectacularly so. That will be the topic of my next post.

sons and brothers

sons and brothers
brothers and sons
may you carry well
the love i tried to share with you
magnify any wisdom
you may have seen or heard
please forgive me
when you were young
i was trying to figure it out too
and it still feels like i am beginning
and now you walk together
and can see more
as you share the path
tell each other the story
of your movements through this world
and through my shadows
you may see me
as i hoped to be
as i was
and as i am
know i hold you both
the breadth and length
of you stories
are tucked away in my heart
an endless album
of images and melodies
from the day
the music of your tears
announced your birth
to this moment
as you read these words
i hold you both
in love
in honor
with pride
with joy
my sons
my dear sons
love one another

table thoughts

This blog has been quiet lately because we sold our home and moved to a new home! The new house is about 8 miles from our old house. We have been talking about downsizing for a few years now and… here we are! Packing up 20 years of living is crazy! We are grateful. Recently someone asked if I miss our old house. My reply, “Not at all.” However, I didn’t expect it to be so hard to say goodbye to our dining table. I helped the family who purchased our table and hutch by dismantling as much of the table as I could. When they took the table top out, the tears suddenly came.

a sturdy table
how many times
did we say grace
a setting
a space
for us just to be… us

conversations
confessions
interactions
admissions
revelations
contrition
a table is set
and becomes the place
where all the weight
of grave and gold
stories are told
and the broken bread
leaves a trail
leading to baby cries
spaghetti on the floor
broken family ties
a spilled drink
someone’s at the door
embraces of grace
birthday candles
graduation cake
love is a messy thing
it’s a long dangerous journey
of faith
hope
and love

homework and coffee
thanksgiving turkey
deep, endless laughter
tears
and the dread of uncertainty
are served alongside
a heap of understanding
conflict and honesty

i was surprised
when the tears
appeared as the table
was hauled away
i wondered
would they take away
the echoes of our conversations
the forgiveness that we found
the acceptance that we gave
the hurt that was served
the pain that was assuaged

it’s called downsizing
but my tears
are singing
a different tune
my soul is filled
my hearts breaks
somewhere along
the fault line
of gratitude and lament
time to reset
the table of my heart
a place of welcome
peace
family
love

something safe

something solid
something sure
at the beginning of the end
and i am feeling insecure
what will it take
for this heart
to settle down
i think
it’s something solid
something sure

something that lasts
something i can count on
i can’t seem to stop surrendering
to the stories i tell myself
no happy endings
why am i spending time
in all the shadows
won’t you tell me please
what will it take
for my mind to be at ease
i think
something that lasts
something i can count on

something quiet
something safe
when it all unravels
when the puzzle pieces
don’t match the picture
on the box
what will it take
for my soul to rest
for my eyes to see
i think it must be
something quiet
something safe
there is an old story
of the Son of Man
that abides
through the centuries
He walked upon
the same ancient soil
that i stumble upon
His words true and sure
pierce my heart
and a small glowing calm
lifts my head

for He was before
and will always be
His love is for all time
and my mind
can’t understand
but i choose to anchor
my thoughts to the peace
of His everlasting wisdom
His never ending love

and into all my searching
in the midst
of all the bingeing and the scrolling
He shouts stillness
into the noise of my life
calming
restoring
reminding
renewing
resurrecting
and singing over me
the pain remains
but i am unharmed
confusion seems to hold sway
but my fear is consoled
by His presence
beside me
above me
beneath me
all around me
there is a storm
but
He
is

i wait

thinking about nothing at all
while everything is running
around in my mind
getting acquainted
with a dull ache
emanating from somewhere
in the middle of the center
of the core of my tacet anxiety
settling down
into an emotional complacency
trying to find some safety
to make sense of it all
Immanuel is sleeping in the boat
while the weight of my heart
makes every step so hard
inches are like miles
enclosed on every side
by confusion and helplessness
what can i offer
what can i say
what can i do
awake my soul
for the sleeping Man of Sorrows
knows this storm
my soul comes to rest
on a cold lonely shore
and i wait
the winds and waves
are His
i wait

an advent prayer

we sing of a silent night
and of a Wonderful Counselor
born on a bleak mid-winter
of starry skies
and angel choirs
while rushing here
and late again there
parties and gatherings
there’s so much left on our lists
we want Christmas
in our culture
but is Christ in our hearts
buy now pay later
real time tracking
replaces real time reflecting
pondering the Prince of Peace
Immanuel
God
with
us
we wail and cry
for the suffering in this world
while we pass by
the violence we commit
against ourselves
we stream and binge
have another drink or two
or we click
buy now
pushing the pain away
hoping this shallow
happiness will stay
even though we know
it’s just a matter of time
before that dark cold low
presses on our chest
so we keep doing
maybe later
later
we will rest
the hope of the world
this baby boy
born into the icy darkness
of our souls
is He welcome
in the home of your heart
the light of the world
born into the chaos
that is our pain
do we surrender
to His invitation
filled with grace and truth
for He entered into our suffering
He walked this place of sorrows
the Creator holds the universe
in the palm of his tiny hands

O Jesus
little baby boy
hold me
help me
have mercy on me

amen

you are here

sometimes it doesn't feel like
anything is rising in me
held inside this gravity
on my knees i just can’t see
how
why
or when

life can be an in between
a canyon of waiting in the unseen
is there another side to this pain
another way to restore
loss
laughter
or song

O Light of the world color my soul
shine into these old tears
bring your radiance into my fears
and all this uncertainty
would you carry it for me
i believe you know the why
i trust you will show me how
i let this sunrise fill the eyes of my heart
and i cry for a morning with no more tears
no more pain
until then i wait and sing a sad song
to say thank you
i know
you
are
here

beneath a blanket of blue

i
lift
up
my eyes
to the
fields
and skies
and
let
this
fleeting
day
pass
away
another
moment
a shifting
hue
in an
instant
a crimson
glow
grows
beneath
a blanket
of
blue
this
choir
of
colors
quietly
slowly
lends
gentle
tones
to
feathered
clouds
above
time
softly
closes
the
door
as
i
whisper
prayers
of
awe
reverence
and
gratitude

connection

standing still
contemplating all
the strategic decisions
that brought me here
ready to take a new step
on the journey
navigating
this ocean of feelings
the sadness
just beneath
the surface of it all
how do we traverse
the relational mines
of this broken world
no more pretending
more unmasking
what lies beneath
the smiles
and the tears
so tired of defending
time to stop protecting
and submit to truth
to words that may hurt
but will heal
the path to connection
spend more time in reflection
admitting all that’s wrong
in me
it’s so easy to live
suppressing
love and heartache
stepping into releasing
it all to Him
embracing the journey inward
not hiding what others see
accepting all that is
turning away
from denying all that is
the fog of reality
is clearer
that the seemingly
serene shimmer of self-deception
the crying
is from the lying
vulnerability is moving
towards being free
intimacy or distancing
the choice is up to me
to live in authenticity
and humility
is to break through
the veneer of safety
and i’m certain
that certainty
is not so certain after all
faith requires
the tension
of a solid hope
amidst the crazy
of the now
hate and
willful ignorance
are easy
it’s love
that is
hard

Kyrie eleison
Christe eleison

the in between

still on the journey
through achromatic beauty
everything is okay
no
really
it is
well
sort of
i can’t make sense of a anything
everything will be okay
at least i hope it will
but there is the now
the inbetween
the stumbling
not quite sure
which way to turn
i recognize
this strange
space of uncertainty
and stillness
and i cry
fast forwarding
isn’t fun
i cry
feels like
a lonely drowning
i cry
a jumbled pile
of grief and loss
wading through
shattered hope
and i cry
God
help me to accept
the immovable
reality of now
and rest
inhale
exhale
rest
i
cry