You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:43-45
I will proclaim the name of the Lord; how glorious is our God! He is the Rock; his deeds are perfect. Everything he does is just and fair. He is a faithful God who does no wrong; how just and upright he is! Deuteronomy 32:3-4
a wife weeps for her husband fatherless children are given shattered lives
some lament some deride a nation is disoriented broken lost on one side lost on that side too the heart of the country needs a gps we are lost no it’s worse
a wife weeps for her husband fatherless children are given shattered lives
in a windy city nearby some wonder about all the fuss holes in their walls are covered by pictures of sons and daughters moms and dads senselessly stolen from love and home and not a single post not a single thread to remember their dead
a wife weeps for her husband fatherless children are given shattered lives
is our justice the best is our judgment pure we must choose our response to the horror in front of us we must ponder what is in our hearts
a wife weeps for her husband fatherless children are given shattered lives
God will let us go our own way religious lines party lines hold no meaning for what resides in the heart will be revealed it’s not the affiliation or denomination we may think we carry light or hold truth Lord have mercy
a wife weeps for her husband fatherless children are given shattered lives
what do you want or is there a better question what do we need what is wrong maybe we should just stop ponder wait listen grieve kneel plead is God, God? is Jesus alive? what kind of ambassador am i may we be true children of our Father in heaven for he is just and fair
a wife weeps for her husband fatherless children are given shattered lives
open my eyes and let me see the impact of me in the eyes of those i say i love in the face of the stranger in the heart of my friends help me see my flaws help me see my brokenness help me see the fractures and inconsistencies in me that i so readily ignore but call out in others
dear God may the tone of my words carry grace acceptance and peace let my heart be open to know when to engage and when to disengage always with kindness and gentleness and help me love with listening help me love with understanding help me love with an other-centered spirit help me to love as you reveal me to me
am i descending or ascending is this praying or just doing my own thing cradling my heavy head in my tear stained palms i think this time it will be different my life will change my heart will finally be rearranged only to realize that even if my knees were nailed to the earth i stubbornly refuse to bend my will instead i choose to stand in shame is this my heart rising to our Father who art in heaven or am i running stumbling down into myself help me be free let my eyes see and may my ears listen to the sheer silence of your kindness open this heart mend my mind in love mercy and forgiveness i want to rise so help me bow down be still let go and listen to the sheer silence of your kindness
i don't know about you but there is so much i need to say goodbye to i'll welcome the endings practice some surrendering
it's hard to study all the expectations that are now a pile of eliminations i thought this or that would be the life i would have releasing longings into the fiery ending of this day i guess it will be okay
turns out being free is not about me trying to step aside God are you tired of hearing about my pride set is ablaze like the end of this day i'm tired of getting my way
love and hope sin and shadow peace and stillness heartache and sorrow is there a place deep in the marrow of my soul where all the counterpoint of being human is awakened restored and rises whole
saying goodbye to all that tethers me to this dirt i'd rather stiffen my neck than lift up my eyes stand on my own than fall to my knees search me and know my heart let all the parts of me that you see with grace and mercy
In my previous post I shared about an encounter with Richard along the banks of the Mississippi River in Savanna, IL. That post ended this way:
I make a commitment in my heart to do the best I can to welcome and connect to anyone that God brings my way. Because sometimes I fail to do so. Spectacularly so. That will be the topic of my next post.
What follows is “my next post.”
His eyes. I can still see his eyes. Those eyes carried all the disappointment and desperation in the world. When I rejected his simple request, his shoulders, his entire body, just sank… his body began to diminish under the weight of my rejection, as if he would simply deflate and end up a pile of broken, wounded flesh and bones still crying out for for assistance… acceptance… love… And those eyes… well… I can still see the impact of my rejection in his eyes. I think if he began crying, he Would. Never. Stop.
My wife and I just walked out of the store. I wasn’t in a rush to get anywhere, although, as an America in a culture that awards busyness and activity, my unspoken expectation is to be free of delay or interruption because I have to get nowhere in particular, and I have to get there quickly.
I don’t remember his exact words, but suddenly we turned around because we did hear a gentleman say something. It was one of those moments where my first inner response was, “Where did he come from?”
He was slowly walking towards us. He looked impossibly tired. He spoke softly… gently… but there seemed to be a great effort behind his tone. As if he were holding back the story of his life of pain, loss and suffering. He simply asked for some money to by some food.
He began to explain why he needed some help, but I interrupted him. I did not even give him the dignity of listening to his story. And I am a pastor who understands and has talked about the importance of listening, because listening is so close to being loved that most people can’t tell the difference.
“I’m sorry, we can’t right now.” That’s when he began to deflate. Then I turned and walked away.
We got in the car and my dear wife said, “We could have brought him into the store to get him some food.”
There is no excuse for my response. It reveals a coldness and pride that is ugly. I know better, but my problem is usually not about what I know. I have asked for forgiveness and mercy. I still need that today. And will need it tomorrow.
Kyrie eleison. Chiste eleison.
I move forward not wanting to be a better person. I move forward praying that I will display the mercy, grace, and love that I claim to be my faith.
This year, April/May rains give way to an “it’s as dry and hot as August” June and early July. The rebellious corn paid no attention to the high temperatures and arid conditions. You could practically hear the fields defiantly celebrating and shouting, “Knee high by the 4th of July! We did it!”
For years now I have been riding my motorcycle through the vast corn and soybean fields in the northern plains of Illinois. When the corn is proud and adorned with tassels, it feels like you’re surfing along ocean waves of green and gold as the wind turns the stalks into an emerald sea with “goldcaps” worthy of carrying, or capsizing, any sea vessel.
One of my favorite rides is heading north on U.S. Route 52. To be more precise, Route 52 follows a northwest, southeast orientation. Taking it northwest, towards the Mississippi River, I marvel at how the landscape lets go of the plains and clothes itself with gentle, rolling hills that can feature fantastic vistas of endless farm land, farm houses, and corn silos. My destination: Savanna, IL.
On this 4th of July ride it is almost too hot to ride. Bright, blinding sunlight bounces off of everything, giving the world a washed out, desaturated feel. It feels good to finally make it to the river. Savanna has a simple riverfront, with a boat launch and a path along the banks of the river.
I find a bench and, as I sat, I noticed an older gentleman sitting to my left at a covered picnic table. I kept my foam ear plugs in and enjoy an apple and some cold water. I couldn’t have been on the bench for more than 3 minutes when muffled words breach my consciousness and I turn to see the older looking gentleman walking towards me, greeting me, and taking a seat right next to me. His bright blue eyes match his blue jeans and blue plaid shirt.
“Are you from this area?”
“No. I am about two and a half hours from home. I ride a motorcycle and come here often to enjoy the river.”
And that’s how my connection with Richard began. I say connection instead of conversation, because that’s what happened. We connected. Of course, we had a pleasant conversation, but it was the connection that turned this 4th of July ride into a delightful memory and meeting.
Richard is 82. He tells me he is related to many, if not most, of the people in the county. His family came to the US by boat from Germany. His dad was a farmer. He has two brothers: one is a preacher, the other is a teacher, and Richard was the farmer.
He tells me he comes to the river to talk, because he is alone now.
Of all the scenes of his life that he shared – I mean, how much can two old guys cover while they talk along the banks of the Mississippi River on a hot 4th of July? – it was his recounting of his marriage to his wife that I found so captivating.
“What is your wife’s name?,” I ask.
“Twila. Not many people named Twila anymore.”
“No… not anymore. Such a pretty name.”
He tells me that Twila passed away 4 years ago and that she battled cancer for most of their life together. His life included countless trips to the emergency room, endless doctor visits and arranging for help to take care of Twila at home. He speaks with no regret, or bitterness in his tone.
He recalls taking riverboat rides with Twila and their friends. I comment on how Twila must have been quite a force to be reckoned with and he tells me the doctors all said the same thing.
I don’t know how long we talked about Twila, grandkids, our own kids, and a number of other topics, but suddenly he looked at his watch and said, “Well. I’m going to go eat some potato salad.”
I gently placed my hand on his shoulder and said, “Can I pray for you Richard?”
I told him earlier that I was a “preacher” like his brother, and that I have been pastoring for the past 20 years in a church in Minooka, IL.
We both bow our heads and I prayed for my new friend Richard.
Here is a bit of what I remember of my prayer: I am thankful for my new friend, Richard… I am grateful for the love and care that he faithfully gave Twila and how his example is helpful for me and a legacy for his family… I pray that he will continue to bear his loneliness with the same grace that he brings to connections along the banks of the river…
After a pause, I say Amen. We both lifted our heads and opened our eyes at the same time. His tears are flowing and make his blue eyes sparkle even more. We just look at each other in silence for a moment. I gently place my hand on his shoulder and simply say, “Life is hard.”
We both shake our heads in silent agreement. He rises and walks to his vehicle.
I wipe away my tears, filled with gratitude for a chance to connect to such a wonderful man. I make a commitment in my heart to do the best I can to welcome and connect to anyone that God brings my way. Because sometimes I fail to do so. Spectacularly so. That will be the topic of my next post.
sons and brothers brothers and sons may you carry well the love i tried to share with you magnify any wisdom you may have seen or heard please forgive me when you were young i was trying to figure it out too and it still feels like i am beginning
and now you walk together and can see more as you share the path tell each other the story of your movements through this world and through my shadows you may see me as i hoped to be as i was and as i am
know i hold you both the breadth and length of you stories are tucked away in my heart an endless album of images and melodies from the day the music of your tears announced your birth to this moment as you read these words i hold you both in love in honor with pride with joy my sons my dear sons love one another
This blog has been quiet lately because we sold our home and moved to a new home! The new house is about 8 miles from our old house. We have been talking about downsizing for a few years now and… here we are! Packing up 20 years of living is crazy! We are grateful. Recently someone asked if I miss our old house. My reply, “Not at all.” However, I didn’t expect it to be so hard to say goodbye to our dining table. I helped the family who purchased our table and hutch by dismantling as much of the table as I could. When they took the table top out, the tears suddenly came.
a sturdy table how many times did we say grace a setting a space for us just to be… us
conversations confessions interactions admissions revelations contrition a table is set and becomes the place where all the weight of grave and gold stories are told and the broken bread leaves a trail leading to baby cries spaghetti on the floor broken family ties a spilled drink someone’s at the door embraces of grace birthday candles graduation cake love is a messy thing it’s a long dangerous journey of faith hope and love
homework and coffee thanksgiving turkey deep, endless laughter tears and the dread of uncertainty are served alongside a heap of understanding conflict and honesty
i was surprised when the tears appeared as the table was hauled away i wondered would they take away the echoes of our conversations the forgiveness that we found the acceptance that we gave the hurt that was served the pain that was assuaged
it’s called downsizing but my tears are singing a different tune my soul is filled my hearts breaks somewhere along the fault line of gratitude and lament time to reset the table of my heart a place of welcome peace family love
something solid something sure at the beginning of the end and i am feeling insecure what will it take for this heart to settle down i think it’s something solid something sure
something that lasts something i can count on i can’t seem to stop surrendering to the stories i tell myself no happy endings why am i spending time in all the shadows won’t you tell me please what will it take for my mind to be at ease i think something that lasts something i can count on
something quiet something safe when it all unravels when the puzzle pieces don’t match the picture on the box what will it take for my soul to rest for my eyes to see i think it must be something quiet something safe
there is an old story of the Son of Man that abides through the centuries He walked upon the same ancient soil that i stumble upon His words true and sure pierce my heart and a small glowing calm lifts my head
for He was before and will always be His love is for all time and my mind can’t understand but i choose to anchor my thoughts to the peace of His everlasting wisdom His never ending love
and into all my searching in the midst of all the bingeing and the scrolling He shouts stillness into the noise of my life calming restoring reminding renewing resurrecting and singing over me the pain remains but i am unharmed confusion seems to hold sway but my fear is consoled by His presence beside me above me beneath me all around me there is a storm but He is
thinking about nothing at all while everything is running around in my mind getting acquainted with a dull ache emanating from somewhere in the middle of the center of the core of my tacet anxiety settling down into an emotional complacency trying to find some safety to make sense of it all Immanuel is sleeping in the boat while the weight of my heart makes every step so hard inches are like miles enclosed on every side by confusion and helplessness what can i offer what can i say what can i do awake my soul for the sleeping Man of Sorrows knows this storm my soul comes to rest on a cold lonely shore and i wait the winds and waves are His i wait
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